SFU presents new mental health companion: the puppy microwave

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Illustration of a microwave with googly eyes and golden retriever ears
ILLUSTRATION: Stella Nguyen / The Peak

By: Olivia Visser, Staff Writer

Dear SFU students,

You know what time of year it is. Your two weeks of freedom after the Spring semester have somehow trickled away. Piles of reading and homework seem to have unfortunately made their way into your agenda once again. Not to worry, the pages will be blank in a week’s time, because does anyone really keep up with agendas once things get busy? Yup, you’re burnt out. I mean, you already were last semester. And the one before. Finding time to relax and take care of yourself is difficult as a student, which is why SFU is proud to offer their new installment of animal therapy: a microwave!

That’s right, these puppies (heh) will be rolling down the campus near you.

Erm, not just any microwave. It got wheels, a bushy golden tail, and two floppy ears that almost resemble TV antennae. Yes, a real golden retriever would certainly have gotten the job done, but we’re a bit . . . over our budget this semester. We promise you won’t be disappointed in this innovative new approach to mental health days.

Yes, we know SFU’s mental health resources are already pretty state of the art. Short-term solutions galore, some might say. Student insurance has got you covered for about six therapy sessions a year! And we’re sure this is news to you, but we even have an APP! It’s not just myssp, it’s yourssp. We’re clearly overspending in this avenue, which is why we must scale back, but we couldn’t turn down this opportunity to show we’re still engaged with our students.

And besides, microwaves can check off all the boxes that a dog normally would! First off, they’re incredibly loyal. This thing has wheels, but you won’t catch it escaping unless you’re terrible (and we mean terrible) at keeping track of your things. They’re also much warmer than your average dog. So much so, you can heat up meals in your new furry friend, slobber not included!

When was the last time you put a pizza pop in your dog’s mouth and got it back? It feels like WEEKLY we must learn this lesson. He barely gets it beyond lukewarm, and by that point our cat has already finished warming our dessert. Appetite gone. Years of training down the drain.

We can only imagine this problem is a shared experience for many students, and not a highly specific example only relevant to us. Dogs are expensive, hard to care for, and clearly hard to train. This could be the start of something wonderful. Please, just listen to us. This will work. Just pretend it’s a dog. Pretend they’re all dogs.

 

Sincerely,

SFU’s Student Wellness Initiative