Five emails we’ll probably receive over the course of the semester

Data breaches, wildlife warnings, and miracle creams, oh my!

PHOTO: Gudrun Wai-Gunnarsson / The Peak

By: Kyla Dowling, Humour Editor


Subject line: The Reflecting Pond incident 

Joy Johnson wants you to know that she is so very sorry about the koi pond incident. No, really. It’s not her fault that she draws her powers from the full moon. Not all of us can be like Andrew Petter, who recharged by playing electric guitar around the Surrey campus. In this lengthy email, she apologizes profusely for deciding to dive headfirst into the AQ pond, which frightened the fish and disturbed Maxwell, the campus cryptid who can regularly be found under the surface. She promises she will instead attempt to recharge by screaming “brutal” by Olivia Rodrigo from the top of West Mall Centre. 


Subject line: Data breach

You’ve heard it before and you’ll hear it again — SFU Mail, goSFU, and SFUnited (SFU’s new dating app for lonely students who have too much social anxiety to actually message each other anyway) have all been hacked. The hacker, who goes by the handle McFoggTheGod, has informed SFU’s IT team that they need to stop making their system passwords Taylor Swift lyrics. The hacker also said that every students’ data has been sold except for those who are taking summer courses because they, and I quote, “think that’s really depressing, homeslice.”


Subject line: This miracle cream will enlarge your penis, bring your wife back from the dead, and make your skin 3% more moisturized! 

This is what you get for not changing your password after the data breach. 


Subject line: Joy Johnson announces new committee

SFU is building a brand new committee on [insert whatever they deem important]. This email will be the first of many, asking for your input and updating you every time they change one (1) sentence in the description of the committee. After a few months, however, you’ll never hear about the committee again. It will go to the place where ideas go to die, namely the fourth floor of the AQ. 


Subject line: Take caution on Burnaby Mountain 

Usually, the warnings about wildlife on Burnaby Mountain are included as part of the weekly Student Bulletin (which is clearly a sick parody of The Peak’s “Student Updates”). However, it’s very likely that Joy Johnson herself will send out an impassioned plea to steer clear of animals on the mountain. Why? Because it is almost guaranteed that at some point this will happen: a twink, drunk out of his mind and waiting for his hookup, will mistake a bear for, y’know, the other kind of bear and approach it.