By: Carter Hemion, Staff Writer
ARIES: Don’t let your goals get ahead of you! Invent a new hobby so you can always be the best at it. Underwater ping-pong? Zombie cosplay gymnastics? Vlogging your cheese puff reviews? Your pick.
TAURUS: Some people say your bark is worse than your bite. Prove them wrong by sinking your teeth into the nearest tree trunk and tearing off a hunk of that sweet, sappy bark.
GEMINI: You’re not too bubbly — other people just aren’t bubbly enough. Carry a bottle of soapy water so you can blow bubbles at the next person that says you’re too chatty. That’ll catch them off guard long enough for you to escape the rest of the conversation.
CANCER: Do you need to be needed or do you knead to be needed? Pull out the yeast — it’s time for a feast! For real, go bake some bread. Go bake so much bread you’ll never need to eat anything else again.
LEO: I bet you caught it bad yesterday. They hit you with a call to their place. You ain’t been out in a while anyway. Was hoping you could catch them throwing smiles in your face. Huh . . . I hope they call you by their name.
VIRGO: You always tell charming stories with great descriptions and fun details. Now take a break from posting them on Instagram and start telling your stories to actual people. And no, “actual people” does not include Twitter discourse threads.
LIBRA: Make up your mind. Literally. Try slathering your whole head with eyeshadow. Bonus points if you put it everywhere but your eyes. Extra double bonus points if you submit it to The Peak for a photography pitch.
SCORPIO: You aren’t “spicy.” You’re just impulsive and stubborn. I’m begging you to calm down for two (2) minutes. I promise. Go drink a warm glass of milk and get off the Scoville scale.
SAGITTARIUS: I know you have a to-do list, but it’s time for a not-to-do list. At the top is “binge the Twilight saga again this week.” This is your last warning. If you’re going to project onto any character, make it Shrek.
CAPRICORN: This is the sign you’ve been looking for: it’s time to try ventriloquism. Stop talking out of your ass and start talking out of an adorable, friendly puppet. I hear you don’t even need a degree to be a ventriloquist. Lucky bastards.
AQUARIUS: It’s time for a well-deserved break from trying to be unique from everyone else. Listen to something other than Hayley Williams. Try the latest TikTok trend. Hang up your fedora for a while. Have the most boring week you can.
PISCES: Stop letting other people have the last laugh at your expense. You deserve better. You’re a treasure and a gift. Oh, and by the way, your sock is untied.