By: Clarence Ndabahwerize, SFU Student

Key Updates

We’re making the Burnaby campus a bit greyer

SFU is committed to being one with nature, and we like the fact that most of our buildings mimic our most beloved sombre weather throughout the year. However, we recently decided that was not enough. All buildings will be repainted a shade of grey greyer than the exposed concrete that is a hallmark of our Burnaby campus. Talk about “cementing” an overall aesthetic!

All buildings going forward will have several underground levels and labyrinthine layouts

We heard Robert C. Brown Hall gets students talking, so we thought to ourselves, “Why shouldn’t we make all campus buildings like it?” Too dreary to go outside? Have fun finding your bestie’s room in residence. And if you want to get there in time, plan your route! It’ll either be good practice for driving with your N, or you’ll get lost and only emerge from the building after seven years have passed— only to find that construction has begun on SFU’s first-ever residence building for raccoons.

Announcements

We heard construction is a noisy affair for you, so . . .

We are most committed to your safety, health, and wellbeing. We recognise that frequent noise stemming from construction may be rather detrimental to that. This is why we’re launching SFU-branded ear mittens for all students affected by construction noises. Worry not: like you, we’re thinking ahead about the weather. Summer ear mittens will be lighter than winter ear mittens. Wondering how we’ll finance this? We won’t, but you will. Please expect a tuition-related announcement soon.

New ‘Raccoon Therapy’

Dog therapy’s been getting a bit old, we heard, so we thought that we ought to change things up. We’ve been lurking in your online meme forums and we’ve seen that there is a particular liking for our beloved campus raccoons. We’ve installed cameras in the AQ so you may have some serotonin in the form of raccoons usurping the owner of the campus Menchie’s and creating an oligarchy in its place. We’ve also hired David Attenborough to narrate this feed between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. PT during exam season.

Employment and volunteer opportunities

Volunteers needed!

We have the honour of being ranked Canada’s most comprehensive university; however, questions have been raised about what exactly a comprehensive university is. Well, we too do not know, which is why we are looking for volunteers to explain to us and our students what it means. Necessary qualifications include: the ability to dim the sun, experience parting the Pacific Ocean and creating a dry path to Australia with a diversion to Hawaii, as well as alchemy. We’re looking forward to your responses.

Researchers needed!

Given that the gondola is gaining some steam, now would be a good time to go ahead with an idea that’s been sitting at the backs of our corporate minds for a while. We believe that a gondola should equal a ski resort, which is why we are considering opening Canada’s first university-owned ski resort at Burnaby Mountain. We’re looking for entrepreneurial minds (read: Beedie students and girlbosses) to look into this. Science majors are also needed to figure out how we can get a whole dump of snow on the mountain since it doesn’t get any most of the season.