By: Carter Hemion, Humour Editor
ARIES: Wednesday is Vanilla Cupcake Day! The day will be a piece of cake after you stress-bake nine dozen cupcakes. And the icing on top? If you give them away, it’s a good deed, not a coping mechanism.
TAURUS: This Spicy Guacamole Day (Sunday), take it to the next level. Slice an avocado, drench it in hot sauce, add ghost pepper, and take a big bite. Be quick about it though, so security doesn’t catch you butchering SFU’s famous art piece.
GEMINI: Tuesday’s Tongue Twister Day is time to try telling thoroughly twisted terms. Think through terrible things to then teach your troop ten truly, technically, thrilling tongue twisting tricks and tasks tonight.
CANCER: Sunday’s Pickle Day is coming up! Oh, you still need to stock up? If you don’t stock up, you’ll be in a real pickle and in for a jar-ing surprise, so stop brine-ing and go to the store. It’s no big dill. Pickle up some snacks to go with it, like extra pickles.
LEO: Celebrate Friday’s Happy Hour Day by ordering every appetizer and drink on a menu to-go. It’ll be expensive, but life necessitates snack-rifices. Check your grades while you wait, then go home and turn that bruised ego into a boozed ego. Have a great Novem-beer.
VIRGO: Take it easy after daylight saving ends with Monday’s Zero Tasking Day. Sleep in, skip class, and do a whole lot of nothing. Who cares about major assignments? Instead of writing 1,000 words, just send a picture; it’s worth the same, right? Try multitasking instead by procrastinating and avoiding school at the same time.
LIBRA: Working hard or hardly working? Take a break from doing OK to be completely feral for a week. It’s fine to have zero impulse control in lieu of attending SFU, I promise. Recognize Tuesday’s Chaos Never Dies Day by giving up on order completely.
SCORPIO: Let Wednesday’s Forget-Me-Not Day inspire you to send friends an ominous message every 10 minutes so they can’t possibly forget you. Possible starters include: “I want to sprinkle salt on you like we’re slugs,” “let’s watch Doctor Who all night,” and “hey, did you start the essay yet?”
SAGITTARIUS: Spend Thursday, World Origami Day, by slipping little paper creatures everywhere you go. Yes, this includes but is not limited to your professors’ pockets, in front of the library washroom doors (to guard them), and into the hands of a grateful mother raccoon who is very proud of your work.
CAPRICORN: Friday is Chicken Soup for the Soul Day! Celebrate by discovering whether you still have a soul or accidentally misplaced it that time you briefly considered selling it in exchange for a scholarship. (Hint: I heard a soul roams RCB to scare new students, so check the lost and found to see if it’s yours). Visit Pisces for consolation if you still can’t find it.
AQUARIUS: Monday’s Cook Something Bold Day was meant for you. Try some of my favourites, like cereal in jalapeños and sparkling water or toss some macaroni and cheese in the blender with the strangest mix of spices you can. If you’re feeling especially bold, drizzle mustard on brownies and offer to share. Yum!
PISCES: Monday marks Bittersweet Chocolate with Almonds Day! Cocoa and almonds come from plants, so you can choc it up to having salad for lunch. Offer to share your sweet salad with friends so they don’t dessert you.