How to pay off your student loans

These tips are guaranteed to help you manage your student finances

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a felt bowl of coins
PHOTO: Ilana Gotz / Unsplash

By: Marco Ovies, Features Editor

  1. Stop spending money on coffee and invest in yourself

If you’re spending $6 a day on fancy coffee, you need to stop right now. Instead, use that money to invest in something that will improve you as a student. If you’re not investing in yourself then how the heck will you be able to have the capacity to pay off those student loans? Instead of spending money on coffee, why not invest it in the latest $140 Lego set based on a plant you can buy for $60 at any generic gardening store? The hour of childhood nostalgia you’ll find building that Lego set will be the one thing that pushes you to work harder and make more money at your minimum wage job. Plus you’ll need to work harder anyway to offset the cost of the Legos. 

2. Make a sacrificial offering to the SFU Avocado

The only offering that will appease this avocado god is the biggest sacrifice a student can make: a failed final exam. Take your exam and lay it in front of this chonky boi, surrounding the paper with different cutouts of happy graduates you found in some old magazines your mom had lying around. Magazines can also be obtained from your dad, your daddy (yes, there is a difference), or an apathetic roommate who is tired of your bullshit. Light the sacrificial offering on fire, let it burn a little, and then douse it with the disgusting water from the AQ pond. You will wake up the next day with president Joy Johnson in your email inbox promising you a small fortune and a corner office in the SUB (for a small exchange of funds to cover the transfer costs). What’s even better is you won’t need to worry about taking out any more student loans because you will be asked to withdraw from SFU after failing the test. Talk about a win-win! If at any point during this ritual there is a couple having sex inside the avocado, you have done something wrong and must start over. 

3. Make a deal with the raccoon mafia

Kingpin Chonkers the raccoon is always looking for new loot, and who better to provide it to him than desperate, broke students? Now you might be thinking, what kind of money does a raccoon have? But that’s just because you aren’t thinking in the right currency. Bring your best trash (used coffee filters are a hot item) and trade it in for some better trash like a half-eaten banana or maybe some leftover cheese stuck to the side of a burger wrapper. While the raccoon mafia won’t directly help you pay off your student loans, the amount of money you’ll save on your dining bills will have you paying off your student loans in no time. 

4. Give me your money

I’m a trustworthy person and I definitely don’t have any student loans I need to pay off myself. So give me your money for safekeeping; I promise I’ll give it back when you need it and not spend it to pay off the loan I took to buy more Lego plants. Stop asking so many questions.