By: Luke Faulks, Staff Writer
ARIES: After horoscopes have repeatedly failed to accurately predict the ups and downs of your life, you’re starting to doubt their efficacy. At least until right now, when the stars — and I — absolutely nailed it.
TAURUS: Stay tuned for Clubs Week! The 2–3 clubs you join will set you on a great course in your education; you’ll meet new people, learn new skills, and deepen your relationship with your school. Don’t get too attached though — the stars say you’re likely to drop this club sometime between weeks nine and 13 as your Spring semester gets hectic and all that social activity gets tiring.
GEMINI: After two years of COVID-19, you’re anxious for a change. Given the Lower Mainland’s unruly housing prices, it’s wise to move into a remote log cabin in the woods where you can enjoy classes remotely, write manifestos, and raise a goat. Either that, or start eating more fruit. Look, this isn’t an exact science.
CANCER: Sometimes the start of the semester can get you down. Even more so when you can’t go to campus and meet new people. Venus recently suggested you turn to the musical stylings of Neil Diamond to heal your soul! This 1970’s hippie writes upbeat, poetic tunes to whistle along to and remind you that life ain’t all bad.
LEO: You’re the kind of person who likes to keep their video on during Zoom calls. Others in your classes will either be inspired by your example or get a little upset at the precedent you’re setting. Either way, you’re likely to end up forgetting something embarrassing in your carefully curated Zoom background, and the two-thirds of class who resent your camera precedent will not be telling you.
VIRGO: You know what’s cool? The tufted puffin. You should learn more about the tufted puffin this January. Google the tufted puffin. Love the tufted puffin. Look at the page on them from the Atlas of the Breeding Birds of British Columbia. Neat, right?
LIBRA: At the start of the semester, you’re likely to come across a syllabus listing a number of midterms in just one course. This will prompt you to rail against the absurdity of having multiple midterms because how can there be several midterms during a single semester if there’s only one mid-way point and that’s what the word “midterm” refers to so it’s absolutely nonsensical to have more than one midterm in any given semester and why does no one talk about this abuse of the English language more often!? Also, your lucky numbers are 3, 76, and 84.
SCORPIO: Listen, with new COVID-19 restrictions, it’s a good time to take up something new, like a new project or hobby. Tauruses (Tauri?), as mentioned earlier, are likely to quit something as the semester gets busy, but you know what, the stars seem pretty confident that you can do it, but don’t tell the Tauri (Taurae?).
SAGITTARIUS: Jupiter says to go and be nice to someone. That’s it. That’s the horoscope. Disappointed? Well that’s your fault for being born on whatever days a Sagittarius was born between.
CAPRICORN: We saw your recent Christmas dinner incident and want to make certain you don’t put this one on the stars. No burning ball of gas an astronomical unit away is going to be the scapegoat for you this time around. Maybe Mars was being persnickety when you stubbed your toe and dumped the mashed potatoes on your second cousin the last time, but not this time. Not. This. Time.
AQUARIUS: This January, the stars want you to take it breezy. Go outside, frolic in the snow, take your dog for a walk. Heck, treat yourself to a little more time on TikTok and the ‘Gram. Has school really started if you’re not on campus yet? The stars say “heck no, Patricia!”
PISCES: This January, you may struggle to keep your overly-ambitious New Year’s resolutions. Goals like trying to run a 20k, doing your readings the day they’re assigned and catching up on all 15,431 new additions to the Marvel Cinematic Universe are a little too hefty. Instead, set small goals for your self-improvement, feel good when you meet ‘em, then set more small goals. Goal #1: create a word doc for a list of goals and send Saturn a 1.5cm x 4cm locket of your hair — easy!
