Horoscope
Horoscope June 1–6
May 31, 2026Cupid is on leave for quite some time (he’s reportedly on his honeymoon with Psyche — one that doesn’t seem to have an end date), so the planets decided to send in a substitute envoy instead. After several missed stops, Mercury called back — and was reprimanded for not reaching his stop at The Peak. Apparently, he kept on stopping to barter with merchants for the “best deal ever.” Venus has declined a job that is so below her beauty and station, and Saturn is just out to make someone’s life unnecessarily difficult “for character development.” The Editor-in-Chief of this publication…
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Horoscopes July 30 – August 4
August 8, 2024Aries March 21–April 19 I can smell the confidence oozing out of you as you read this. Aries my friend, you better work. It’s almost August and I know you have been doing jack shit this summer. Put the sluttiest…
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Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: March 14–20
March 16, 2022Aries You should go kick a tree this week. There have been whispers in the wind lately and they have been awful. I don’t even want to repeat what they’ve been saying about you, but man, should you go kick…
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Top Ten ways to get an extension
March 8, 2022My dog ate my homework A timeless classic for an excuse that works every time. Some may say that in the digital age, your dog eating your homework is impossible. I say with enough eye contact and persistent confidence, your…
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Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: March 7-13
March 8, 2022Aries The stars are asking that you take a chill-pill this week. I know you’re deep into midterm season but grades will come and go. Do some sight-seeing, find where they’re filming your favourite TV show, heck, splurge on those…
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Horoscopes: February 28–March 4
February 27, 2022Aries You’ve yet to venture out of your comfort zone and find the hidden gems of the Burnaby campus. Be sure to try the tables under Images Theatre for your next cry sesh. They’ll never fail you — unlike your…
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Horoscopes: February 21–25
February 23, 2022ARIES: You’re constantly running late on dates. Although asking your Tinder match to order while waiting is a good idea, being one hour late is not. This will most likely result in you getting stuck with the bill. Better late…
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Horoscopes February 14–18
February 16, 2022ARIES: Unfortunately we don’t have a lot of sexual energy to use for your prediction since you’re a total virgin. But we can assure you that you will have sex . . . at some point . . . soon(ish)?…
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Horoscopes: February 7–11
February 7, 2022Aries Change is in your future! Consider ordering a bowl instead of a burrito the next time you’re at Chicotle (formerly Chipotle). Or, follow Chicotle’s suit and switch a consonant in your name out with a “C” because a K-pop…
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Horoscopes: January 31–February 6
January 31, 2022ARIES: How does it feel to always be first on every single horoscope? Everyone looks at your horoscope and you don’t have to waste any time searching for your sign. Just like the majestic raccoon, you love to get all…
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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.
For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]
Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.
For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]