By: Sara Brinkac, Star-whisperer in training

ARIES: One day this semester — when you least expect it — a tall dark stranger will come to you with grave news. Be nice to them, the cemetery industry is pretty dead nowadays, and they’re excited to share this update with you. 

TAURUS: Be wary of aimless travellers this week. They have an astoundingly terrible sense of direction and will just bump into you totally unprompted.

GEMINI: Laugh long, loud, and often. People need to know you have the intensity and sense of humour of a Moon God.

CANCER: When one door opens, another door opens too. It’s an odd door based domino effect, I’m not really sure how it works — I think it’s like a pulley system? Anyways — just watch out for your heating bill this month, it’s gonna be off the chain. 

LEO: A new romance is in your future. Shit. No. It’s romaine. A new romaine is in your future. I think you’re running low on groceries. 

VIRGO: In coming months, you will receive a letter from one close to you — I think it’s an “A.” Maybe think about getting close to your professor.

LIBRA: Big journeys begin with a single step — but so do step aerobics classes. Maybe just try taking a step and see what it starts.  

SCORPIO: You will have Good Luck this week. I really appreciate you taking care of him, he’s my favourite iguana. Don’t forget he eats at 9:00 a.m. and 4:00 p.m., I’ll be by on Sunday to pick him up — thanks again!

SAGITTARIUS: The light of good fortune is peaking out from behind the clouds. I suggest grabbing some shades, SPF, and a bottle of water. Your future is going to get very bright very quickly and I’d hate for you to burn. 

CAPRICORN: You will be given advice by a star-whisperer in training this week — something to do with bees. It probably won’t be beneficial to you but they’re trying their best ok.

AQUARIUS: The currents of time are flowing in your direction. I don’t know what this means, how they’re flowing, or why now, but I think it’s supposed to be a good thing.

PISCES: I don’t know what to tell you, man. It’s literally just the word “poop.”