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CLASSIFIEDS: Time machines, Benson Boone, and a pyramid scheme

Humour
Peak Web
Peak Web
2 min.
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1215
PHOTO: Robyn Beck / AFP

By: Yildiz Subuk, Staff Writer

A list of advertisements for locals selling items/services.

Learn to get rich through developing interpersonal skills with S.C.A.M.

Have you ever thought to yourself — gee, I wish I had better social skills so I could network myself into a high-paying job? Have no fear; our unique services will teach you how to become a better communicator, manipulator, money maker, and an absolute unit on LinkedIn. Sign up with Social Communications Asset Management (S.C.A.M.) and get 35% off our courses. We will set you up with the knowledge to become a top-tier course reseller, allowing you to learn from our courses and then sell them back to people. It’s kind of like being a master’s student, but instead of doing a boring program, you will get hands-on experience, coming out with something more valuable than a master’s — the ability to S.C.A.M.

Contact by sending a messenger pigeon to (location redacted).

FOR SALE: Frustration insurance

Have you ever found yourself frustrated with a service? Ever wish you could be compensated for your frustration? Maybe it was a bad flight gone bad. Maybe when you showed up to your seat, you noticed that you got an aisle seat with barely any leg room, and the person beside you keeps watching Madagascar 3 without any headphones on a cracked iPhone 11, but it’s not even the full movie, it’s just YouTube shorts, and for some reason the clip is edited with a bass-boosted version of “Like A G6” playing in the background? And when you tell them to turn it down, they say, “I CAN’T, I CAN’T, I HAVE TO DO THIS, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND.” So now everyone thinks you’re an asshole, and when you try to comfort the person by saying “it’s OK,” they continue yelling, “KING JULIEN IS GOING TO BE REALLY DISAPPOINTED!” Maybe you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, to get away, but when you go inside the door locks and the only thing in the bathroom is just a video of King Julien doing calisthenics with American fitness icon Jillian Michaels, while “I Like To Move It” is playing — but it’s an AI cover sung by Benson Boone, displayed on a projector you can’t find, so now your whole flight you have to think about the gravity of your circumstance?!

Has a situation like this happened to you? Do you want to protect yourself from future emotional damage? Get your frustration insurance today — call 1-800-MOONBEAM and ask for extension 3289.

FOR SALE: Time Machine that can only travel 15 minutes forward in time

I recently built a time machine — but there’s a teeny tiny catch. It only travels 15 minutes forward. I believe that with some more effort, more time can be added to the machine’s capacity. It is, however, really simple to use and requires no background knowledge to operate it. A child can even do it. All someone needs to do is: step inside, close the door, close your eyes, click a pre-authorized timer, bolt the door, and wait ‘till you hear ringing. After the timer rings, open your eyes, and you’ll find yourself to be 15 minutes into the future. I believe there is a way to travel further in time, I just need to figure out how to set a longer timer.

Anyone interested? Selling for $35.

Contact: [email protected]

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society