By: Nancy La, Staff Writer
Congratulations! You’ve finally secured a basement for rent at a small price of $2,500 a month. Of course, adulting is nothing but finishing one task only to be met with more tasks. The next challenge is to find a roommate to share the burden— ahem, share the two-bedroom space. Which person will you choose?
Planter looking for room
Are you a renter of a glorified bathroom with a bed that requires the financial assistance of another? Well, keep on looking because I ain’t got money. What I do have is an extensive collection of houseplants that’ll keep the air quality at a decent level as the province burns. In exchange for sharing a 200-square foot space, you get fresh air! What more can a person ask for? References include my best friend Phil who I’ve been watering and trimming for the past 10 years and a drama queen peace lily that refuses to be ignored. Serious offers only!
Closet to sleep in
No, this is not a stay-in-the-closet joke. I’m only 4’8”, so I can fit in your walk-in closet as long as there’s a bed. Wouldn’t it be nice to know there’s no monster hiding in the closet because there’s a person sleeping in there instead? In fact, you should pay me to live in your closet, since I ward off the closet monsters that hide in between the hoodies you stole from your ex. I might also want a door for privacy, but I can accept an open floor plan. Any offers for living under the bed will not be accepted! I only deal with closet monsters, not the detached arm under your bed that grabs your ankle in your sleep.
Medical student needing cold room for sleep and storage
Hello! I’m a self-taught medical student specializing in human anatomy, and I love doing experiments on human organ functions. I’m looking for a room, preferably in a basement where it’s cooler so my specimens won’t go bad. I’m very good with cooking and butchering, and my knife skills will surely impress you. Bonus points if you have a freezer. I have an experiment named Frank that needs to be kept cold or he’ll be grumpy. Seriously— the man’s got a temper. Don’t worry though, I have him completely under control! Email me at email@example.com with an offer and we can go from there!
Seeking new home for me (and my cats)
Meow! That’s cat-talk for “Hello!” If you can’t tell, I’m mother to 12 cats, and we are looking for our new fur-ever home! We’re not looking for much, just a room big enough for me and my babies to co-sleep. All my cats are very friendly (except for Mr. Ted, he’s a feisty little fellow). They’re all very adventurous and like to be petted, so no worries about getting scratched. If you’re allergic to cats, don’t worry! I’m allergic to them too, so I’ll bring enough allergy pills for the both of us. Soon enough you’ll be able to learn cat-talk and add that to your resume! I attached 1,300 photos of my cats for your reference, but I have more if required. Mrow! (That’s cat-talk for “I hope to hear from you soon!”)