Top Ten Simon Fraser University name alternatives

We still have to use the “SFU” acronym. We gotta keep that brand name cache!

Illustration: Siloam Yeung / The Peak

By: Craig Allan, SFU Student 

  1. Skunk Forest University

We need to come up with a new name for the school’s athletics department anyway, so why not combine the two? Our opponents won’t see us coming because they’ll be totally distracted by our pungent spray!

  1. Surrey FernGully University

We have a Surrey campus, so why not name our school after it? Besides, most people like to go to the Surrey campus anyway since it’s on the SkyTrain line (at least I do). As for the FernGully: The Last Rainforest part, why not? It’s a movie about environmentalism and it’s just so darn cute. I know what you might be thinking: “Wait, wouldn’t it be ‘SFGU’ since FernGully has a capital G?” To that I say . . . shhhh.

  1. Stephen Fry University

I can see why changing SFU’s name might anger some people since it is throwing out the history of the institution. So how about finding some common ground and naming the school after yet another white guy? Stephen Fry University will be named after the famous British comedian and prominent gay actor. Unlike Simon Fraser, Stephen Fry may actually come to the school. May, but probably won’t.

  1. Senseless Fun University

Let’s embrace our fun side with Senseless Fun University! Now, some may argue it seems like a bad idea to have the words “Senseless” and “University” together, especially when “Super Fun University” was right there. However, I am writing this out by hand and having my editor transfer it to the computer, and I’m not going to go back and change it.

  1. Soiled Foundations University

About the fact that our campuses are built on a foundation of soil. What were you thinking of when you read “soiled?”

  1. Scar Face University

This can be after the notorious movie character Tony Montana or the villainous Scar from The Lion King. However, in this institution, we will only recognize Jeremy Irons’ Scar from the 1994 animated movie, not the Chiwetel Ejiofor version from the awful 2019 remake. What will be taught at this school? I don’t know, drug cartels and animal power struggles or something? The Lion King is based off Hamlet. English majors can have a little attention, as a treat.

  1. Sex Fest Underground

Let’s just give up on this whole “university” thing and turn the school into what we really want: an underground sex fest that occurs every semester! I know I would much rather learn things like The Piledriver and The Wheelbarrow instead of subjects like economics or history. 

P.S. this was a much cleaner name than my first idea of what to do with the “S” and the “F.”

  1. Sit Forever University

A true reflection of what university is: sitting forever and listening to some teacher drone on and on about something you don’t care about because you didn’t get your WQB requirements done early. So now, you have to spend time listening to a teacher talk about something you are never going to use simply because the school wants you to have a “breadth of knowledge.” 

  1. Substandard Food University

It’s the perfect name to honour the poor food offerings at the school. The economics class at this school will just be “Make the food cheap and bad, and then charge a shitload of money for it. If they’re on the Burnaby campus, where else are they going to go?”

  1. Sunny Florida University

Let’s name ourselves Sunny Florida University and get out of this cold and dreary area. No more having to struggle to get up Burnaby Mountain on a snowy day because the buses have all shut down. Why hide in the cold, cavernous, concrete structure of the Burnaby campus when we can just catch some rays in the Florida sun? What will we learn? I’ll tell you what we’ll learn: Spring Break and anti-vax propaganda!

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