Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: July 19–23

Workout-based horoscopes for the overworked soul

ILLUSTRATION: Marissa Ouyang / The Peak

By: Tiffany Chang, Peak Associate 

ARIES: After a great workout, you’ll (rightfully) choose a homemade smoothie over Tim Hortons. But I sense that your non-existent smoothie-making skills will result in some sort of spill. Some advice? All blenders have minds of their own, so proceed with caution. 

TAURUS: I see anger in your future. For some reason, you’ll find yourself thinking about a shitty former classmate, but then you’ll remember how you beat them during a track meet several years ago. All better.

GEMINI: Some people say the post-workout ache is the best feeling in the world. For the most part, you disagree, but after that part-weightlifting, part-backwards running, part-Dance Dance Revolution workout, you feel great. Sure, your aches might stem from smashing into a wall mid-“Rasputin,” but hey at least you can relate to Instagram fitness buffs now.

CANCER: Those crunches you’ve been doing for the past 48 hours are paying off! This is the perfect time to pretend you’re Jennifer Lopez by wearing a loose crop top and attempting to seduce Ben Affleck (mostly for some free Dunkin’ Donuts).

LEO: You’ll finally find the perfect YouTube video for at-home yoga. Make sure your dog doesn’t try to snuggle up against you when you’re doing something that looks cool but has a chance of injuring vital body parts. Remember the last time it happened? Your dog decided to try the pose herself and mastered it, but you didn’t! Out of shock, you fell over. Your neck has never felt the same since. And that’s not even the worst part! An animal outshone you. Don’t let it happen again. 

VIRGO: Don’t let other people’s seemingly flawless exercise routines get you down. Plus, with Zoom classes, this is a great time to tell them nobody cares about their marathon training schedule and then virtually disappear afterwards.

LIBRA: Libras will be facing some life-changing decisions this week, including whether or not to be sensible and buy a pair of leggings at Winners or go raid Lululemon and splurge without considering the financial consequences. Either way, they’ll just collect dust in your closet . . . 

SCORPIO: You don’t feel motivated to do any rigorous physical activity, so combine it with something more pleasant like nostalgia. Create a Spotify playlist with all your favourite childhood music and stroll around the nearest park. Nothing screams “I’m old!” more than a slow walk and hit tunes from 2010, but baby steps, right?

SAGITTARIUS: Reward yourself after a tough day with some well-deserved karaoke. I have a suggestion for a song: how about “Physical” by Olivia Newton-John? You won’t actually get physical, but singing about it seems like the next best thing. Bonus points if you whip out a tracksuit and pretend you’re Sue Sylvester.

CAPRICORN: Pull out your mom’s Jane Fonda aerobic videos and see if you can keep up. While you’re at it, wear some bright leotards like she does to get the full experience. If anyone asks, you’re nostalgic for the ’80s in a “postmodernist Stranger Things-aesthetic liberated way,” not a “I was born in the wrong generation” way.  

AQUARIUS: Do a thorough clean of your living space to stay active and be productive. Even better, blast the radio so you have an excuse to take some dance breaks with the mop for some more calorie-burning goodness. Just don’t get too caught up in the moment and try kissing your mop like Justin Russo from Wizards of Waverly Place did.

PISCES: When watching a few martial arts movies, you may feel inspired to join a kung fu class and get in shape while learning some new skills. You’ll only go as far as accessing the front page of their website after seeing some of the absurd costs, but, hey, at least you can say you (kind of) tried.