Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: June 14–20

An illustration of a girl with long flowing hair. Astrological signs and stars shine around her.
It’s nigh time for you to thrift something together. ILLUSTRATION: Marissa Ouyang / The Peak

By: Tiffany Chang, Peak Associate

Aries: You will find yourself crawling on all fours trying to get back to your Zoom class after your feet fell asleep from a half an hour on the closest toilet. My advice: be the great multitasker that you are! Wiggle your piggies while taking the stinker, so those pins and needles aren’t as agonizing.

Taurus: Take a swift but thorough look over both shoulders before making your sixth (or 12th, or  905th) Etsy purchase this month. Everyone loves resorting to retail therapy, but not when the people you’ve spent every day with for the past 15 months are giving you the condescending “again?” stare.

Gemini: While eating Chinese takeout on the couch, you will find a positive fortune that almost makes sense and you’ll pray it comes true. I have this inkling that it’ll say something like: “School might be a little more bearable this semester. Like, I wouldn’t get my hopes up, but it could be marginally better, you know?”

Cancer: One word: Indulge . . . because you don’t very often. Rewatch the first season of Bridgerton in your PJs on Wednesday night after finishing the six 1000-word long Canvas discussion posts that needed to be done.

Leo: Put your affectionate side on full display! Sometime during this seven-day period, ask for a hug from a person in your COVID-19 circle. If they agree to it, don’t release them until four minutes has passed. Once you’ve let them go, look into their eyes, then walk away.

Virgo: Recreate the AQ with pillows to unleash your school spirit. Lie amongst them while wearing an SFU hoodie, then imagine yourself strolling aimlessly around. Once you’ve accidentally passed Mackenzie Café twice like you usually would, sit back up and reminisce about the good old days when campus halls were crammed with people.

Libra: Don’t forget, you like nice things. Prance around in your finest threads and jewelry for an hour. While you’re at it, pretend to be a Disney character. Take some inspiration from the new Cruella de Vil movie: go absolutely off the rails while blaming your behaviour on the fact that your mother was run off a cliff by dalmations. 

Scorpio: Go to a Gemini’s place and ask if you can join them for some Chinese food. Just kidding! You can’t do that right now, but you can order food from the same place. What will your fortune say? “Alleviate stress over exams by ranting to your classmate, only to realize you’ve talked for two hours and your food is cold.”

Sagittarius: Join a dating app and find someone who might be nice to talk to in person after this eon-long pandemic is over. The both of you might initially meet up starving for human connection, but won’t speak because you’ve forgotten how. 

Capricorn: You’ve always had it in you to do what every university student has dreamt of: express your frustration by blasting Christina Aguilera’s “Hurt” and sing right along at school. Since we’re at home nowadays, keep your camera and microphone on when you sing so that you can share the experience with classmates.

Aquarius: Pull out Monopoly and combat boredom with Rich Uncle Pennybags. Take advantage of the opportunity to be ruthlessly capitalistic by buying up every revenue property this board game has to offer. Making investments with fake money and plastic commercial buildings never felt better. Playing will also momentarily make you forget that you’re a broke student.

Pisces: We know you’d never admit it, but you like Starbucks just as much as everyone else. Take an old Starbucks cup and purposely spell your name on it incorrectly. Heck, give yourself a completely different name, like Steve or Darlene. It may be basic, but the cup will give you some sense of guilty-pleasure comfort during this time.