By: Kyla Dowling, Staff Writer
Aries: Wow. You’re so sexy, Aries. Like really hot. You know what else is sexy? Submitting your assignments on time and washing your sheets. You’re two missed discussion boards away from an F and two nights away from your sheets walking on their own.
Taurus: It’s time to stop taking things so personally, Taurus. The beleaguered student you passed on your walk yesterday wasn’t glaring at you. They were simply upset that the Dining Hall was out of macadamia nut cookies. Of course, it would have helped if you weren’t visibly smuggling 20 cookies in your arms.
Gemini: It’s time to beef up your resume! For example, you’re definitely an “out of the box thinker”— remember when you ran out of chase for your booze, so you just pre-gamed with ranch? Rip-’n-dip, right?
Cancer: Sometimes you feel you’ve got to . . . run away. You’ve got to get away from the pain I drive into the heart of you. The love we share seems to go nowhere, and you’ve lost your light. You toss and turn but you can’t sleep at night. Oh! Tainted love, tainted love.
Leo: You were definitely switched at birth. And if you weren’t, then you have a secret twin. If that’s not true, then you definitely considered dropping out in the fourth grade to run a mud pie business. I see you, girl boss.
Virgo: Stop being so hard on yourself, Virgo. So what if you accidentally unmuted yourself during lecture and everyone heard you ranting about the inconsistencies between the Pokémon games and anime? It’s not your fault that Pokémon can have more than four moves in the show. It makes no sense! The people deserve to know!
Libra: A letter has come from your future self. It reads: “You are capable of anything. You can achieve such great things” — oh wait, sorry, that was actually Gemini’s letter. Yours says: “Invest in a plush shark from Ikea. Like you, it looks like it’s all bite, but it has foam teeth.” Is that true?!
Scorpio: You say that you wear black because you’re edgy and cool, but we all know it’s not that. It’s because your hands shake like that of a sickly Victorian orphan when you have to interact with the Starbucks barista and you’re prone to spilling your $10 matcha green tea all over your clothing.
Sagittarius: Would you rather wake up in the morning to grimy little raccoon hands snatching your collection of Funko-pops or become a servant to the raccoon king? This is not a hypothetical question.
Capricorn: I know you struggle with opening up, Capricorn, so, intuitively, it’s time to try healing through puppetry. Creating a sock puppet just won’t cut it. You’ll have to get supplies and do research — which means now you’ll have reason to rewatch Muppets Most Wanted without admitting that you’re attracted to Constantine.
Aquarius: Look at all those unopened Snapchat messages, Aquarius! You’re so cool for ignoring your friends. Oh, sorry, one’s from your “hip” aunt and the other four are from Snapchat itself. My bad.
Pisces: Did you know that Emily Dickinson was sapphic? Or that Queen Elizabeth is a trained mechanic? No? Well, now you have something to say when your TA asks you for a “fun fact” because let’s face it . . . you needed a new fact that wasn’t boring (i.e. ones about your life in quarantine).