Rich man suddenly learns about climate change when silk-encased pillow is too hot

The almost irreversible issue of climate change has been solved with this CEO’s groundbreaking insight to not change

PHOTO: Becca Schultz / Unsplash

By: Serena Bains, Staff Writer

I woke up this morning beside my $800 Dyson Pure Cool Air Purifier and above my heated floors to utter, complete, absolute, outright disaster. My bed was too hot for my toesies.

To my horror, I had to endure something mildly uncomfortable for the first time in my life. Can you imagine how unbearable that was for me? How torturous? It was the first time I was powerless to change the climate — other than the times I use my private jet, invest in liquified natural gas exportation, make my mansion single-handedly light the entire city all on its own, et cetera, et cetera . . .

It had me thinking as I stared at my reflection in my 120” television, “is this why there’s such a fuss around so-called climate change?” I’ve never understood how it could be real — especially after that senator revealed to all of us that snow exists. 

But maybe, just maybe, there’s something more to it than senators who have been paid by the oil and gas lobbyists repeating their interests.

Imagine not being able to sell your first home on the coast when the sea levels rise, or move when the temperature rises above 22 degrees Celsius — a temperature that would melt the glue of my toupee. It’s tragic, really, that people have to endure these kinds of conditions for more than one day at a time. I literally cannot imagine having to endure the nightmare I went through for more than one night. My legs were too warm, for Christ’s sake. 

Think about if climate change caused some type of serious, long-lasting damage — like famine or refugee crises. Then we’d definitely all be taking action.

You know what? People deserve the dignity to be able to live comfortably . . . preferably just comfortably enough that they pay more taxes into my luxury of not having to pay any.

Why has no one ever explained climate change in this context before? This is a real issue. I would guess that I’m a pioneer for putting this knowledge into action. What an entrepreneur I am!

I’ve put all of my labour behind getting 3,000 employees that do my labour for me, and I imagine that’s exactly what I’ll do to combat climate change. I’m a business owner; coming up with original ideas that are completely my own is what I do. I’ll create an organization where thousands of people reduce their impact on the climate, as that would have a greater impact than a single wealthy person like myself committing to do the same. It’s simple math, really. I’ve taken ECON 101, so I know what I’m talking about. 

I have shared my knowledge with thousands who are eternally indebted to me for saving this precious planet from the irresponsible working class. This is for the people, so the work must be done by the people.

It’s only 10 a.m. and I’ve single-handedly solved climate change. No longer will people have to endure uncomfortable temperatures for their feet. I’ve accomplished so much and it’s only taken the gruelling hardship of a few hours in silk sheets. No need to thank me. I’m used to my work going unappreciated as a CEO.