Your weekly SFU horoscopes: July 27–August 2

ILLUSTRATION: Marissa Ouyang / The Peak

Written by Paige Riding, News Writer

Aries: In life, we have choices. Chrome or Firefox. Tea or coffee. Ketchup or mustard. In your case, if given the choice this week between hanging out with a Capricorn or anything else, I would suggest a relaxing game of squirting lemon juice in a brand-new paper cut.

Taurus: How far down the YouTube rabbit hole will you journey this week? Will you land on how-to videos about miniature garbage cans? ASMR videos of dogs eating watermelon? Blackhead extraction videos in a language you don’t speak? Who cares? Your brain is vegetating and your eyes are burning, and that’s all you need.

Gemini: TikTok is apparently stealing your clipboard information! Scary, right? You’ll want to look into that — go ahead, unlock your phone with your face or thumbprint so you can Google it.

Cancer: You’re like that one charger that only works when positioned a specific way. Whether you’re being held together with tape or sheer defiance, you get the job done and you’re only a fire hazard when other people keep using you. And that’s on them, Cancer. Not you.

Leo: J.K. Rowling and Daniel Radcliffe are both Leos. Not saying you’re much like those two. But it is a bit of a coincidence that you’re great at upsetting everyone around you by not knowing when to shut up — and you’re also probably a wizard.

Virgo: Remember to wash your face before bed. Of course you want to wash off any sweat, makeup, or pollution stuck on your face. But you also like those blissful moments where the water forces your eyes shut. Can’t see the haters, or the impending disasters looming all around you.

Libra: Do you clear out your email every single day, or are you a real Libra? The “14,032 emails” notification won’t go away with a passive aggressive scowl at your screen, but you really can’t find the energy to organize even this little part of your life.

Scorpio: Make like Florida during the pandemic and ignore those trying to hold you down this week. Too soon to make jokes like that? That’s what everyone was trying to tell the state about opening everything up, too.

Sagittarius: When you’re staring out a window like you’re in a Hop Along music video, show your good side. “Happy to See Me” plays, but the birds outside aren’t that stoked that you’re here. The birds deserve a real show in exchange for seeing your face screw up in a weird mixture of pain and melancholy.

Capricorn: This pandemic isn’t all bad. As you wear a mask out, no one can see you talking to yourself — since you’re the only one worth any of your time.

Aquarius: The Delta Aquarids meteor shower will be at its peak this week — and its meteors radiate from your constellation. If you’re patient (yeah, right), maybe you can plan a socially distanced date where you can mutually fail to actually see anything. Or just ghost at the last minute, so at least you can complain about the rock in your shoe instead of the lack of rocks in the sky.

Pisces: Make like your class syllabus and disappear in your computer’s files. Either others search for the one true you or they just download some Pisces(2).pdf phony with half the heart that you have.