Written by Paige Riding, News Writer
Aries: As the first sign of the Zodiac, you really prove that the old saying “first the worst, second the best” is true. When you’re not busy victimizing yourself, you’re bullying others around you. Being a miserable asshole is technically a personality trait, but you’ve made it your whole life.
Taurus: People gravitate towards your calmness. They feel the same pull they feel in the drooping eyelids during a boring lecture. Being around you is tiring, boring, and unhelpful in the long haul. Picture a big ol’ pitcher of alcohol-free beer in your gut. That’s what your company feels like.
Gemini: You’re the human equivalent of a cracked phone screen. You hurt those that try to get close to you, you tend to shatter under any amount of pressure, and others comment on how you should just be replaced.
Cancer: You take the idiom “cry me a river” and run with it — away from any source of conflict, all so you can go snivel instead of solving anything. Some call it sensitivity. Others just (appropriately) call you a little bitch.
Leo: The overwhelming narcissism radiating from your body reaches me in my northern BC town. Keep checking your own social media feeds to see how people perceive you and your God complex will burst right out of your brain. Shut up.
Virgo: You give off such “I’m not like other people” vibes, it’s nauseating. Sure, you’re not like other people. You’re so obsessed with being DiFfErEnT and ~quirky~, shown through your annoying nerdy interests and determination to steer away from what’s “cool.” You’re not like everyone else. You’re worse.
Libra: You’re so forgettable I’m not even going to bother talking about you.
Scorpio: Mysterious? Sexy? Intense? In reality, you doubt yourself and all that you do so intensely that it’s a mystery how you think you can finish your degree or go anywhere. Keep sleeping in this rut you’ve dug yourself.
Sagittarius: You have plans. You want to dismantle the patriarchy. You want to stop capitalism in its exploitative tracks. That’s all well and good, but eat a vegetable first, you piece of shit.
Capricorn: Did you know Jeff Bezos, Amazon CEO, is a Capricorn? Just like you, he prioritizes his own success over the emotions of those around him. His sardonic fascism leaves those he views as “lesser” in suffering. “That’s not me,” you think frantically. But you’re still messaging your TA about your useless group for your project.
Aquarius: When you’re in a bad mood, everyone is. Cute little parasite. Just keep sinking your fangs in deeper every time you message your friends asking “am I annoying? Do you hate me?” Let me answer for them. You really fucking are. And they do.
Pisces: Such low self-esteem. Eeyore feels sorry for you. I would try comforting you, but you’re that dickhead who can never take a compliment. You just brush it off and everyone gets annoyed. Half the time they don’t even mean the compliment they say to you, anyway. Yikes.