Written by Paige Riding, News Writer
Aries: You’ve always been annoyed by unoriginal people. You’re just so sick of Instagram users screenshotting tweets and reposting them. Just like Twitter, you did it first. You are the first sign in the Zodiac, after all. It’s written in the stars and in your plans to lead the way.
Taurus: As a fixed sign, they say you don’t need to worry about your hardiness fading until hell freezes over. Too bad for you, hell is a wholesale establishment with free samples and soccer moms buying Nature Valley bars in bulk, and they just started selling Freezies again.
Gemini: Talk is cheap, yet even with that Canadian Emergency Response Benefit, you still can’t afford it. Well, tough — you can’t keep blaming your lack of participation in the Canvas discussion on “feeling trapped in such a demanding relationship,” so make ends meet. Talk about how great someone else’s point was, reiterate what they said to sound like it’s a new idea, and move on.
Cancer: Don’t forget, you can’t be late to your Zoom lecture if you don’t show up. There are enough grey boxes with faceless names on there, anyway. You have more important callings this week — like finding yourself through revisiting your old Mii on your Wii.
Leo: You’re like the nose pads on a pair of glasses. You lift those around you up. You keep those around you steady. You’re an essential part of any friend group. But holy shit can you rub people the wrong way. It’ll take you a while to realize that it’s you causing all this irritation.
Virgo: So, how are you holding up without window shopping at any moment possible, only to stare at the prices of the items in the store and grimace? You can scroll through online stores, but that tactile feeling of overpriced, mass-produced articles of clothing just hits differently. Also that Zara model’s Photoshopped arm looks weird.
Libra: Whoever said the present is a gift clearly hasn’t seen your bright future. Times are hard right now, Libra. Once you can stop spending hundreds on eBooks and use that cash to create your own fox sanctuary solely to call yourself Foxy Mama, it’s over for everyone else. You’re just biding your time.
Scorpio: The next time someone tells you that you would look better if you smiled more, just perform an arm wringer move right then and there. Not only will that shut them right up, but it’ll also turn your frown right upside-down as you flip the person over your head and onto their back. Win-win.
Sagittarius: The grass may be greener on the other guy’s lawn, but the dandelions on yours are better for the bees. You don’t need those gentrified definitions of beauty, anyway. You’re messy and the important ones will love it.
Capricorn: You put the cap in Capricorn this week. You hear all this talk about being hard at work 24/7, but the only difficult task you’ll overcome is asking what to show to watch on social media while your pre-recorded lectures sit untouched.
Aquarius: You have nothing to complain about this week, Aquarius. Sure, your relationship with yourself may be unstable due to your fleeting urges to write a whole novel quickly followed by a suffocating sense of hopelessness. But you still share your sun sign with Harry Styles, so . . .
Pisces: You have this bad habit of absorbing the energies of everyone in the same room as you. Doesn’t that get exhausting? Try putting on a tinfoil hat. It’ll protect you from overwhelming mood swings and the 5G rays that cause COVID-19 according to my neighbour, Jim, on Facebook.