Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor
Aries — March 21–April 19
You yearn to rest this week, but you may find it difficult to properly recharge. You’ll try to learn from your phone’s example, only to be faced with a big, sudden shock. Energy comes in good and bad forms — like the difference between nine hours of sleep and electrocution.
Taurus — April 20–May 20
The continued motionlessness of SFU’s satellite campuses means continued inertia for your love life. Just like Selena Gomez, you are “so sick of that same old love.” Unlike Selena Gomez, you have no money, power, or influence amongst Wizards of Waverly Place fans with which to build a better existence for yourself. Fade away into the concrete.
Gemini — May 21–June 20
Choose the correct fate this week. Be the real you. Let your Dairy Queen overrule your Orange Julius.
Cancer — June 21–July 22
Buy a fresh bucket of chicken when the desire takes you. It will be more fulfilling than the bad poetry you fleetingly considered writing instead.
Leo — July 23–August 22
Playing crane games would be dangerous this week. You will relate too heavily to everyone who’s ever failed to get to know you. Then again, the pain of the inferior does smell delightfully of lavender.
Virgo — August 23–September 22
The television is usurping you this week. You’re the one who’s supposed to be brainwashing the masses, not media corporations. It’s fine. Let it go. Someone else can guide humanity to a utopian future for once.
Libra — September 23–October 22
You may awaken to find yourself lying on the operating table. Not literally, like in a horror movie. But figuratively, as in realizing mid-conversation that you’re being mentally dissected in search of insecurities to prey on. Don’t let them find out about your occasional dark impulse to unbalance your most annoying roommate’s chequebook.
Scorpio — October 23–November 21
Cashiers will lie to you this week about selling you the item you said you wanted. Don’t hold a grudge. It’s not like that random thing you paid $5 and totally didn’t need is really what you “wanted,” either. Nothing could fill that category, besides absolution.
Sagittarius — November 22–December 21
So when are you graduating, anyway?
Capricorn — December 22–January 19
You have been on the path of discarding the trash people in your life. This is the week to properly sort them, as per municipal by-laws. Some deserve to be composted. Others, such as the plastic-hearted friends who have more LinkedIn connections than you, could stand to be recycled.
Aquarius — January 20–February 18
You may struggle with zipping and unzipping your backpack this week. If you don’t, then you have an abnormally low amount of baggage, and I’m scared.
Pisces — February 19–March 20
You may find yourself navigating the dark realms of St. Patrick’s Day this week. Shamrocks? More like scamrocks. The only greenery worth celebrating is the Amazon Rainforest, lungs of the world (after you ignore the phytoplankton in the oceans because they don’t evoke a good enough emotional response from readers) — you can’t breathe luck.