Aries — March 21–April 19
Well, you did it. You got through the semester without (being arrested for?) arson. So spend this week reminding yourself that pyromania is not a Christmas gift you give yourself — nor is it a Christmas gift to give to your clueless professor’s thesis research.
Taurus — April 20–May 20
You’re still in a committed relationship with being stubborn and unproductive. This is just the week where it’s time you confessed that to yourself. The sooner the better, so you can break things off in time for you to actually produce your final assignments.
Gemini — May 21–June 20
The Peak’s condolences to you this week. One of your personalities is finally kicking the bucket. McCut-a-Bitch waited too long for an SFU Health & Counselling appointment and then succumbed to the meningitis. If only the rest of you had burned some lavender, you slices-of-a-sociopath.
Cancer — June 21–July 22
You’ll be a mother this week. A colony of ants will come to live in the womb of your infinity scarf, feeding on the abyss of muffin crumbs you lost aeons ago. Nurture them with your body warmth until they, too, abandon you.
Leo — July 23–August 22
End every friendship you have this week. Those hollow-brained sycophants may revolve around you, the sun, but it’s not because they have any loyalty — it’s because they still don’t know how to drive in Vancouver snow and they need your social light and heat.
Virgo — August 23–September 22
When you check in on your personal projects for the semester this week, you’ll find that they’re thriving. Lincoln’s been expelled, Marina’s dropped out, and Hester is dating a Maple Story buff. Looks like your subtle machinations, the ones you can’t confess to anyone but a mall Santa, have finally put you back on top of the social ladder.
Libra — September 23–October 22
Just focus on breathing this week. Nothing else matters when you have become a succulent. Just in time to be regifted to someone, too.
Scorpio — October 23–November 21
This week, your professors have once again failed to prepare you adequately for your upcoming academic stresses. And you can hold that grudge forever if it brings you joy. You and your instructors aren’t kids anymore; playing sad EDEN music off an iPhone excuses nothing, now.
Sagittarius — November 22–December 21
An old friend will come back into the public eye this week. It might be the one who you shamed into banishment by exposing their Taiwanese chicken nugget feeding fetish — it might not. What’s certain is that you better keep your own secrets on lockdown this week, lest you, too, find yourself dropping out to live in your cousin’s basement and play the Dark Souls Trilogy from now until Armageddon.
Capricorn — December 22–January 19
This week, you will achieve your dream and finally be universally hated by the entire student body. Congratulations. But it’ll all go down the drain next semester when first years arrive and you have to start fresh. Thanks, Trudeau.
Aquarius — January 20–February 18
This week will be another week where you miss out on being recruited by a new cult. Damn. It’s really, really hard to only have one cult option: you need choices on your brunch menu.
Pisces — February 19–March 20
You’ve spent the whole semester soaking up sloppy seconds, with nothing to show for it. But you know what? You do have something nice to show for it: yourself. Under neoliberalism, nothing else matters.