Written by Juztin Bello, Copy Editor
For most, November is just another ordinary month, because their lives are meaningless and boring. For some, it’s the month to celebrate the first reported instance of white privilege. But one thing the world can agree on is that November has a very special meaning. Citizens all over the globe dedicate this month, start to finish, to informing the world of their only somewhat-interesting personality trait: their love for Christmas.
Such people usually achieve this by posting pictures of a Christmas tree already set up, with a ~quirky~ caption like “Finally time for Christmas music [smirky-face emoji]” or the classic rhetorical “is it too early for Christmas decorations?!” The biggest fans of November holiday cheer, of course, are the capitalists who use the simple-mindedness of “I love Christmas” people to start pushing holiday sales the second Halloween ends.
But none latch onto the premature holiday season more tightly than its current ruler: she who dwells in her tinsel-draped chamber, waiting for the clock to strike midnight on October 31 and for the first note from an overplayed Christmas song to play.
Of course, I’m talking about the all-powerful Mariah Carey.
You may think that the Mariah Carey you see in concerts and interviews throughout the year is the Mariah Carey you know and love. In truth, that’s just a decoy stepping in for Mariah, letting her rest in preparation for the time of year when she’s most powerful.
For most of the year, the real Mariah Carey slumbers deep in the centre of the earth, beyond the public eye. When she senses that someone very basic has begun their Christmas celebration too early, she drains their pathetic life, fueling herself to rise once again as she moves from one basic to the next.
Once Mariah Carey awakens, her followers are at her beck and call. They insensately blast her music; they insist she’s still a stable and relevant celebrity. Like Russian sleeper-agents, Mariah activates them with a single whistle tone, readying them to stream her music or form an imposing and subservient militia —whichever she deems necessary.
Perhaps Mariah Carey’s rule over the holiday season started as a lyrical blessing, bestowing joy onto the very bland boys and girls with the never-ending hit “All I Want for Christmas is You”. But it’s become tyrannical — years of a two-month-long demonic rule. While many have tried to dethrone Mariah, she shows very few vulnerabilities to exploit.
Mariah’s one near-falter was her New Year’s Eve performance in 2016, where she was betrayed by her dancers, sound technicians, and band. Unfortunately, Mariah came out alive, which can’t be said about the others involved. No one has heard of them since, but we can only assume she reduced them to ashes for their insolence.
As December approaches, she will only get stronger. When the time comes, Mariah Carey will feast on the bones of the weak and unworthy. Hide your children, and ward her off by placing the blood of a sacrificial lamb in a champagne glass as Carey-season approaches.
Unfortunately, it’s unlikely you’ll escape her. She’ll be everywhere you turn, ready to convert you into one of her own. On the radio, the TV, even your nightmares, the Songbird Supreme can and will find a way into the lives of the innocent.
Perhaps the only thing to do is to falter and bow to the almighty overlord that is Mariah Carey to avoid imminent death. Don you now your gay apparel and stream Merry Christmas by Mariah Carey for your own safety.
Merry Christmas, and fear and glory to Mariah.