Horoscopes September 18 – 24

Are you buying what I’m selling?

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An illustration of a girl with long flowing hair. Astrological signs and stars shine around her.
ILLUSTRATION: Marissa Ouyang / The Peak

By: C Icart, Humour Editor

I spent the past couple days watching Selling the OC trying to acquire wealth through osmosis. What out of context quote from the Selling universe will predict your week?

Aries: “When in doubt, hide behind your empanadas.” — Bre Tiesi. ‘Nuff said, honestly. There’s nothing a yummy filling and deliciously savoury pastry cannot fix. You cut someone off with your car? Empanada. You accidentally wore non-matching shoes to class? Empanada. You tripped and fell in front of your crush? Em-pa-na-da!

Taurus: “We’re both eagles. Eagles fly alone, and birds fly in flocks. And they’re a bunch of birds.” — Alexandra Jarvis. Canadian icon Nelly Furtado did not sing “I’m like a bird” for you to not belt it. Grab your hairbrush to use as a mic and gather your stuffed animals to be your audience. Go on, I’m waiting . . .

Gemini: “She can sit on the floor until she proves herself.” — Chrishell Stause. Babe, you were born worthy of a chair. I better see you taking the time to sit in every single chair in that lecture hall. Better yet, play musical chairs during class. 

Cancer: “Jason, he says he does about 20% growth. I’m like, cool. I’ll do about 40% growth every year.” — Mary Fitzgerald. Cancer, that plant in your room is begging for a sip of water. She is so thirsty she literally came to me begging me to help her. Do better. 

Leo: I lend trust on credit, but I’m not afraid to call in a debt.” — Alexandra Jarvis. Um, like maybe don’t do that . . . No one likes a debt collector! I know I’d hang up on you. So, yeah . . . Put the monocle down and don’t engage in your Monopoly fantasy this week.

Virgo: “Sharelle Rosado is a boss ass bitch that makes shit happen. Point-blank, period.” — Sharelle Rosado. The only way for you to get through this week is to always refer to yourself in the third-person. I don’t make the rules. If you’ve got a problem, take it up with the stars.

Libra: “I’m so tired of talking about everyone else’s issues. Now we can focus on me.” — Christine Quinn. I think that’s a pretty solid line to open your therapy session with this week. I talked with the planets or whatever, they said you’re allowed to be selfish as fuck this week. You’re welcome.

Scorpio: “I drive an orange Porsche, it’s my homage towards Orange County.” — Gio Helou. Someone is going to say something pretentious in class this week and you will be forced to witness it. Inexplicably, something will possess you to face Mr. Full-of-Himself and tell him you’re wearing red today as an homage to the flag he’s waving. 

Sagittarius: “I’m closing deals in heels.” — Anne-Sophie Petit and Colony Reeves. You will be reaching new heights this week, mostly because you actually need to go to class. I know you took a little syllabus week break, but them 8:30 a.m. lectures are not going to attend themselves. I better see you on the R5.  

Capricorn: Something about being a vegan — Heather Rae El Moussa. You are going to say irrelevant things all the time this week. That’s okay, though. That’s what makes you endearing. In the reality show that is your life, you deserve allllll the screen time.

Aquarius: “That bitch should own a sunglass hut cause she’s so fucking shady.” — Christine Quinn. I would love to tell you that this means you’ll somehow win a tropical vacation and get to lounge on the beach all day, but I’m pretty sure it just means you’re going to misplace your sunglasses. 

Pisces: “That’s all I needed to talk to you about. Meeting adjourned.” — Sharelle Rosado. Dust off your suit because serious business is happening this week. No, wait, actually this means you should interrupt your boss during a Zoom meeting and end the meeting. He made you stay late the other day! This is you reclaiming your time.

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