Horoscopes: January 9–13

The stars are judging your new year’s resolutions

An illustration of a girl with long flowing hair. Astrological signs and stars shine around her.
ILLUSTRATION: Marissa Ouyang / The Peak

By: Hannah Kazemi, Staff Writer, extremely judgemental

This is your year to be AGGRESSIVE, Aries. Start using periods in those texts and assert your opinions without cushioning it with uncomfortable laughter because you are unsure. You are always right! The Stars see you, and are behind you 100%! Punch a cloud to display your newfound confidence.

It’s time to get real, Taurus. Stop promising yourself you’ll actually make decisions when your friends ask what you want to eat. May we suggest resolving to get outside more? Touching grass might be good for your brain cells and inspire you to become decisive.

For once in your life you’ve set a realistic goal: stop spending all your money on Chipotle. But fear not! You’ll likely spend that money on sushi instead, putting to use any dollars that might have had a chance at being saved. You’re all about maximizing your money, Gemini. The Stars aren’t sure if you understand how saving money actually works, but it’s still adorable to watch.

You made a resolution as soon as the clock struck midnight on January 1, but you enjoyed yourself too much and can’t remember what it is. Happy days, Cancer!

You spent New Year’s Eve wracking your brain for a resolution that you’ll actually be able to stick to, and you finally landed on eating less cheese for some fucking reason. The Stars regret to inform you that this resolution is not advised due to the fact that cheese is delicious, and without it, you’ll die.

You’ve never been inspired to set a resolution until this year. You decided to finally cancel your gym membership and start walking more. You realized that the money you’ve been spending on the gym could be spent walking around the mall shopping for jewelry you don’t need instead.

You’re stumped on what your goal should be and it’s the middle of January already, which means 2023 is off to a bad start and you still can’t think of anything and, and, and . . . My dear Libra. It’s all good! You’ll find your goal as you go.

Get your shit together and admit that setting a goal to “drink more water each day” just isn’t going to happen. Unless iced coffee counts towards hydration . . . In that case, you’ve already well surpassed your goal. Go you, Scorpio!

Your resolution is to “treat yourself more,” which the Stars assume means ordering a macchiato whenever you want without feeling guilty and watching more shitty reality TV. Bravo has a new number one fan and it’s you, babe!

You stopped making resolutions years ago because you realized that they’re bullshit! Good for you.

You set a resolution to put yourself out there more and give dating apps a shot. Unfortunately this means that you have to struggle bus through “hey whats up” and “not much hbu” convos until your head explodes. The Stars believe in you, Aquarius. Just keep trying, I guess?

Every year, your resolution is to slay each day, and every year you meet that goal. You never fail to let yourself down, even if the goal can’t actually be measured and what constitutes a “slay” isn’t clear. Like, at all. But the Stars consider that a win anyways. Keep slaying, babe!

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