Spirit of British Columbia flips out for Instagram flop outs

There were no fatalities, unless you count humiliation

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A stock photo of a sinking ship with a frowny face doodled on top.
PHOTO: Isaac Struna / Unsplash ILLUSTRATION: Kelly Chia / The Peak

By: Clarence Ndabahwerize, Staff Writer

SAANICH Shortly after departing Swartz Bay at 7:00 p.m., the Spirit of British Columbia put out a distress call signalling that it was sinking. Rescue boats were on the scene shortly after, and no fatalities were reported. Questions were raised however, about how this had happened. Interviews following multiple reports revealed that the suspicious scuffle on the sun deck turned out to be passengers running from port to starboard seeking the perfect sunset picture “for the ‘gram’.” To the North was the Georgia Strait and Gulf Islands, and to the South was the alluring and towering Mount Baker. Passengers on the sun deck simply wanted both pictures, and in the process, became akin to wild Canadian geese. 

Jean-Jacques Rousseau, from Saguenay, Qué, was just eating his unholy combination of clam chowder and poutine when it happened. “They were like a swarm of bees, the photographs being the queen they paid worship to! J’ai le feu au cul!” he said. Calls from the bridge to stop all this hubbub were ignored. When the captain and stewards tried to calm the situation themselves, they too were struck by the trance and joined in on the fun. As the situation evolved, the merry folks took turns gatekeeping the sun deck as everyone clamoured for the perfect picture. No one is quite sure if the frenzy happened on the lower decks, but if the ferry capsized, surely, nothing can be ruled out! Transport Canada, Health Canada, the RCMP, and the Umbrella Corporation will soon hold a joint press conference to reveal more information.

One of the standout stories of this treacherous evening was the connection between human and animalkind (other animals, that is)! Especially when a few passengers from Nova Scotia — whose connection with the sea is notoriously remarkable — summoned a few orcas to graciously take them ashore. 

Residents of Swartz Bay have unfortunately been left to deal with several car alarms still going off aboard the sunken vessel. They have taken to putting out ads in the Times Colonist to get their owners to scuba dive, or something. They of course proceed to disable the alarms by locking their vehicles, which is of course the only thing you can do.