Horoscopes January 23–29

The Leos are tired of being nice and have secrets to reveal this week

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An illustration of a girl with long flowing hair. Astrological signs and stars shine around her.
It’s nigh time for you to thrift something together. ILLUSTRATION: Marissa Ouyang / The Peak

By: Isabella Urbani, scathing Sagittarius hater and proud Leo 

Aries 

According to the ethereal Star girlbosses, we are supposed to be soulmates. In that case, you’re gonna Have to change the spelling of your sign name. Why do we call you AIR-reez, when you can’t even spell “air” correctly? Power to you for being a feminist though, having a uterus as your sign’s symbol is totes empowering. 

Taurus

Leos kind of just pretend you don’t exist. But how can we when Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson has a tattoo of your star sign, the noble bull, on him? And you call us self-centered? Sure. Your symbol literally looks like you started drawing a stick person, gave up half-way through, and Tried to sell it as “abstract” by flipping it upside down. Plus, it looks like a wedding ring. Possessive, much?

Gemini 

Of course you didn’t know this, but the name “Gemini” comes from the oft-used Leo phrase, “Gem, aren’t I?” You know, cause Leos are gems? Anyway, I broke this Ethereal being’s heart at this little bridge crossing, which is why your sign symbol looks like that btw, and they passed it off as their own invention. Wicked, right? Too bad I stole it from Sagittarius first. 

Cancer 

Gosh, I can’t stand Cancers. They’re right behind Sagittarius on my shit list. I had A Cancer brother, and he would always pretend to be so right and just. Like, “Isabella, set a good example for the humans.” “Isabella, do this and that.” So you know where he is now? Sleeping with the crabs, or whatever you people call it. 

Leo 

You stay exactly how you are because you’re PER-FECT. 

Virgo 

It’s no coincidence that your sign name basically sounds like vertigo, because you make me nauseous. What’s up with the “M” in your symbol too? Plus, your Goddess is totally obsessed with wheat and stuff. She Is always trying to get me to go on a health kick with her. Like go ask Sagittarius, they like silly ideas. 

Libra 

Did you know you’re like Leo’s sidekick? Who do you think named you LEE-bra? You’re an amazingly good friend. Always Typing out the horoscopes for us, while we Leos, provide all the most-needed advice. But now that our ruler, the sun, is like Taking a break or whatever and chilling in Alaska, we can finally say what the other signs really need to hear. 

Scorpio 

I mean, you’re named after an Arachnid. You’re kind of the emo sign of the bunch. I don’t mind it, anything to distract me from the awful sound of a Sagittarius speaking. You could tune it down on stinging people. You realize you aRen’t actually a scorpion? 

Sagittarius

Immediately no. 

Capricorn 

Never trust a word a Capricorn says, it’s in their DNA, or should I say, astrological name? You’re kind of capping. I know humans can’t digest corn, but your ethereal beings really screwed you up by naming you after the vegetable you’re allergic to! Can you believe all Capricorns are allergic to corn? Now that is messed up. And a TRUE fact, certified from your beloved Leo.

Aquarius 

Leos may be fire signs, but we dig water, like a lot. And your rUlers live in an aquarium, which is pretty rad. Plus they throw the best parties. We all know the party doesn’t start until the Leos show up. And for that to happen, there can’t be any Sagittarius people around. 

Pisces 

The water Signs just know how to do it right. Your symbol has this cosmic moon thing going on, which is why you rock this wild mystique. The signs can never guess what’s on your mind, probably because you spent centuries trying to hide that all Pisces are hydrophobic.