ARIES: You need to let that sink in. Seriously, it’s stainless steel. It’s getting really hot to the touch in this weather.
TAURUS: Considering camping this week? Try swapping out standard marshmallows for your friend’s 84 Squishmallows. They won’t taste very good, but at least they’ll go out with a bang instead of being shoved in storage alongside all those Webkinz.
GEMINI: Reject modernity. Embrace tradition. Turn off your WiFi and open Minesweeper instead. Maybe then the ocean won’t be on fire.
CANCER: For a water sign, you’re not very good at staying afloat. And no, I don’t mean your swimming skills. It was your Canvas inbox that told me that, actually.
LEO: This week, try adopting a witty catchphrase à la Scooby Doo. “Zoinks!” “Jinkies!” Maybe even “The FitnessGram™ Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20-metre pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly . . . ”
VIRGO: No one knows this better than you, but during such uncertain times, nothing beats being prepared. Try meal-prepping by freezing some water. That’ll save you time when you boil your pasta noodles.
LIBRA: Evens or odds? Would you even care if the odds weren’t in your favour? Picking one would be odd, but picking two would be even.
SCORPIO: One of the upsides of all these masks is that people no longer tell you to smile more in public. The only thing scarier than a highly contagious viral disease is trying you.
SAGITTARIUS: When you near a dog who hates most strangers, the dog immediately warms up to you. Now that’s a hot dog! You should be proud of yourself. Dogs love you, and you weren’t the one who made that pun.
CAPRICORN: I encourage you to get absolutely railed this week. Trains are highly efficient, like you’re always trying to be. Get some wood and get nailing.
AQUARIUS: Remember, no tattoos are permanent in the long haul. Death is the greatest equalizer or whatever, so get “2+2=5” vertically along your treasure trail and don’t rot your brain worrying about it.
PISCES: This Pisces, Pi sees. Seriously. Clean out your closet filled to the brim with old high school math binders. You’re never going to look at them again, but one day those logarithms might have enough and fall on your damn head.
