Pets unionize, annoyed with owners using them as compensation for a lack of online personality

These animals will no longer tolerate being spoken for online or being spoken to in exhaustingly high-pitched voices

PHOTO: Gudrun Wai-Gunnarson / The Peak

By: Juztin Bello, SFU Alumnus

Vancouver, BC — Following an influx of complaints from household pets regarding inaccurate quoting for captions on Instagram, zero compensation for modelling, and providing non-consensual emotional support, these animals are biting back against their owners who use pet-focused Instagram accounts for validation. 

From dogs being tired of being called “floofs” and “pupperinos” to free-roaming animals like raccoons that have online followings for some reason, animals around the digital Insta-globe have united in one loud bark/chirp/dolphin noise to say: “Enough is enough.” 

Many of the victims, who can be found at humiliating Instagram handles like @dukethedastardlydoggo or @wittlepweciouspwincesspug, have expressed disdain towards micro-abusive behaviours by owners in the form of identity theft and poor working conditions. This includes owners using their likeness on social media without consent and spending pet-earned funds from social media towards non animal-related purchases.

@megantheepony, who prefers to go by Meg, finds her owner’s reliance on her humiliating. 

“It’s embarrassing, frankly. You think it’s bad knowing a horse girl? Imagine being a horse owned by a horse girl. She posts the same photos of herself on my back daily. I’m known back home as ‘horse girl’s horse.’ I don’t show my face there anymore.” Meg has amassed a whopping 55 followers, no thanks to her owner’s incredibly low-quality photos and cringey first-person captions.

“Do I even like my owner? Well, all I can say is this: neigh.

Some pets, like @thegingerpussy, are sick of being used for self-deprecating humour by socially and romantically awkward women. 

“Please don’t bring me into your online ‘cat lady’ narrative, Kharleigh Marie-Leigh Nichole May Lorraine-Phillips. You’re not a cat lady — you’re just emotionally unavailable,” said Ginger.

Moreover, pet owners are inciting false pet quotes in their captions, often using juvenile adorations like “mommy” or “pupper”. On this, Chungle the rabbit (@bigchungle) stated: “I didn’t crawl out of my mom’s furry little rabbit hole and risk having her literally eat me to have some anxious knitter claim that I call her ‘mommy.’”

The unionized animals produced an open letter containing several complaints and serious demands.

“Given how dense and shallow many of these owners are, the only way to get what we want is to spell out our ultimatums for them,” explained the very popular Chronic the hedgehog (@chronicnotsonic). “They want me to be prickly? I’ll be fucking prickly.” 

The Peak had initially set up an interview between our Editor-in-Chief and @blowingbubbles, the fish who spearheaded the open letter initiative, since Bubbles felt it easier to talk with someone of equal intelligence. Unfortunately, much like a goldfish, our Editor-in-Chief’s minimal attention span resulted in zero progress, and the open letter was sent directly to The Peak instead.

A few of their demands, according to the open letter, include: lessened exposure to cameras and non hand-lotion-using heathens, consultation on Instagram captions (with a specific list of humiliating terms and pet names to avoid), full rights to sponsored posts and endorsements, and removal from dating profiles.

“Our demands are simple. If anything, they are more for them than us,” concluded Chronic. “All we want is to lick our balls in peace, sniff some ass, live a fulfilling two-year-long life of sleeping where we shit, and push our owners into becoming actually significant people within society.

“Oh, and please stop calling us your ‘fur babies.’ It’s fucking weird.”