Your Halloween Horrorscopes

Horoscopes rise from the grave for a Halloween special

ILLUSTRATION: Marissa Ouyang / The Peak

By: Kyla Dowling, SFU Student

Aries: You just had to ask, “how could 2020 get any worse?” Now, we’re looking at a year-end zombie apocalypse thanks to your cynicism. Why pay for therapy to be told you’re “a threat to society” when you could just transform into a loud, violent creature and feel more like yourself than ever before?

Taurus: The stars are telling you to express how you really feel, Taurus. Cut off all your friends. Scream into a moldy pumpkin. Commit to your organic, GMO-free diet by eating the hearts of everyone who says dressing up as a cop for Halloween “isn’t even that bad.” 

Gemini: Is that really your Halloween costume, or are you looking to be casted in a porn parody of Zootopia? Either way, Halloween is the perfect excuse to rock bunny ears, pretend you aren’t a furry, and then sadly take jello shots and crank Megan thee Stallion all alone thanks to ‘rona. Happy Halloween!

Cancer: You’ve made some pumpkin-spiced lube from the tears of your classmates hearing you be the devil’s advocate, and you’re ready to try it with your boo. Your “boo” may be a BPK lab skeleton dressed in an off-brand Pikachu costume, but it beats your typically fragile ego every other cuffing season. 

Leo: Pumpkins aren’t the only guts you’re getting into this Halloween season. You know the drill — keep the seeds away at all times. If you’re looking to spice things up in the bedroom, you could try some sexy Chucky/Chucky’s-bride roleplaying. Or just stop being such a pillow princess for once.

Virgo: If you were in a horror movie, you’d certainly never move into a haunted house on top of a hill to finally be left the fuck alone. Mind you, even if you did, any demons bugging you certainly beat the people you’re forced to be around during your monthly Wal-Mart runs.

Libra: Your dream of recreating Romeo and Juliet in the 1996 Baz Lurhmann film doesn’t have to be ruined by the pandemic, Libra! Find your own bootleg DiCaprio — probably some business major still gelling their hair for Zoom classes. Then, die side-by-side at a Halloween party from COVID-19 instead of poison. 

Scorpio: It’s your season, and all eyes are on you, Scorpio. No, seriously. Where did you get all those eyes you’re holding? I know you’re ~dark and edgy~, but this is kind of disturbing. Can you — can you put them back? Wait. Back up. What are you doing with that scalpel? Someone hel—

Sagittarius: Happy Halloween, Sag! Well, “happy” is a bit of a reach, since your crush decided to ghost you this spooky season. But you still have time to get cuffed! Remember, if all else fails, you could always dress up as a video game controller this Halloween. Maybe then someone will finally hold you. 

Capricorn: Nothing could ever scare you —  except the ghost haunting you because you didn’t forward chainmail in 2007. But don’t forget: fear is an aphrodisiac. Give the ghost a chance! Your friends might all have “loving relationships” and “a life”, but they can’t say they’ve been railed by the supernatural.

Aquarius: I hate to break it to you, Aquarius, but Beetlejuice is a TikTok thing now. Put away that pinstripe suit you spent hours trying to find at Value Village. Save your green hair dye for when the Joker becomes a niche costume. Look for something a little more unique in your life — once your glasses stop fogging up from your mask. 

Pisces: The Halloween full moon will influence you, Pisces. Invest in a flowing nightgown. Sneak into the abandoned asylum downtown, wailing loudly down its halls. You’ll still be crying about forgetting to buy Pilsbury pumpkin sugar cookies, but at least your mysterious aura will drown out how narcissistic you are. Almost.