By: Paige Riding, News Writer
Aries: What is with your urge to fight everyone around you? Sure, you’re the shark in an ocean of guppies and all, but don’t forget the Finding Nemo mantra: fish are friends, not food. I doubt those around you like being called guppies, too. Sheesh. They’re butterflyfish, at worst.
Taurus: Make like a bull and charge forward this week, right through the walls you built up around yourself. You only created them to stop people from seeing you for the vulnerable creature you are: a person who really just misses the old Webkinz site.
Gemini: Which iconic Katy Perry lyric do you relate to most from her 2008 single “Hot N Cold”? Wait, don’t bother guessing. I’m pretty sure it’s all of them.
Cancer: I have good and bad news for you this time around. This will be a week of near-euphoric highs, but with those, you may feel the lowest of your dreary lows. But if we’re being honest, you’re really just an emotional wreck and all things hit you very hard all the time. This week is not different.
Leo: Work smarter, not harder, this week. Negative people around you might try to tell you about the insufficiency of playing Nintendogs rather than walking your dog or laying in the Corpse pose for a bit and calling it a great yoga session. Spend all that time you’re saving telling them they’re wrong and you’re right, like always.
Virgo: Perfectionism is, paradoxically, a flaw. You can keep trying to make everything around you adhere to your belief system. But by the time you’re finished, your typed-out, unsent comment to the group chat will be lost to a new subject, one that isn’t post-postmodernism.
Libra: Remember: as the middle sign of the Zodiac, you thrive in finding balance in life, Libra. Nah, not spiritually or physically or anything. You just chug a bunch of water after eating a three-course meal at 2 a.m. It’s all about balance.
Scorpio: Spend time learning more about your world. Hurt your own feelings by reading your favourite snack’s ingredients. Read a spam email and maybe even click its link to a free Bahamas trip for an exciting opportunity. Ask your family if they ever cheated during game nights and exile them accordingly.
Sagittarius: How have your friends responded to that hobby you persistently talk about? Hate to bear bad news, but their nods of interest aren’t what they seem, just as your determination to work at something until you see results isn’t quite working out. But keep insisting it is, I guess.
Capricorn: Try refraining from using a sarcastic remark to answer those around you this week. Who knows? You might actually hear someone else’s perspective in its entirety before you try proving it wrong. It’s simple quicksand logic — I know you love logistics. Appear harmless until it’s too late.
Aquarius: “Okay, boomer,” you’ll proclaim wittily into the internet abyss this week. You’ll then proceed to snuggle into your knitted blanket with your chamomile tea, furrowing your brows at the 12-year-olds on TikTok making more money than you ever will.
Pisces: Life is a marathon, not a race, Pisces. Take this week to collect yourself before running to help friends that wouldn’t do the same. It’s the martyr archetype you know well. Don’t say The Peak didn’t warn you.
