Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor
Aries — March 21–April 19
You’ve made your New Years’ resolutions. And you’ll break them all this week. But don’t feel guilty. It’s hard, committing to stop buying Nutella at the grocer’s when you know you still have leftover peanut butter at home — it’s beyond human limits.
Taurus — April 20–May 20
Don’t spend yet another week all psyched out by what your Spotify Wrapped said about you. It doesn’t know you; it doesn’t know your story. Nobody does, except Drake, apparently . . . which should leave you really concerned about yourself, honestly, but . . .
Gemini — May 21–June 20
You think 2020’s going to be your year. This week will show you otherwise. You’ll leave your last class of the week with the knowledge that 2020 is just 2019’s uglier, pastier twin, and that you yourself are probably doomed to spend the next twelve months becoming uglier and pastier.
Cancer — June 21–July 22
You’re going to make some really hard choices this week. Like whether or not you’re going to tell your clique the real reason that one of your friends ghosted the Secret Santa. Remember that your actions always have consequences . . . for others.
Leo — July 23–August 22
This week marks yet another ascension for you: you’re officially going to be cuter than of your past crushes, not just one or two of them. Now, your god complex really is justified.
Virgo — August 23–September 22
You never got that perfect mistletoe kiss this holiday season. But spend this week reminding yourself that that’s OK. Instead of kissing under a hemiparasite, your goal should be to become a hemiparasite, dangling high in the air, unbothered, sucking the life out of your surroundings.
Libra — September 23–October 22
Drink a mocha and drop that class. It’s what has to be done.
Scorpio — October 23–November 21
You may find yourself doubting your friendships this week. Test them by drowning each of your friends in the AQ pond. Those who sink to the bottom were true ones. Those who float are plotting to sell your organs to the SFSS.
Sagittarius — November 22–December 21
You’re well on track to get what you want this week: a nice strain of mono, a lasting souvenir of the daredevil rendezvous you’re dreaming of. Just keep frequenting the deserted building in Maple Ridge formerly known as Roosters. I’m sure the spirit of a country-dancing, strong-kissing, lightly saliva-diseased partner will manifest before you.
Capricorn — December 22–January 19
You’re just getting back on your feet after all that holiday spending. You have yet to fully recover, for example, from spending all that time with the gaggle of great-uncles and family friends whose names you only pretended to know. Take this week to draw up a budget for the year and make it very clear, to yourself and others, who is NOT on that list.
Aquarius — January 20–February 18
Let go of all your hesitations and worries. You’re a different person this year. You’re honey badger. And honey badger don’t care — about anyone, or anything.
Pisces — February 19–March 20
Be wary of public transit this week — very wary. You may be trapped on a 40-minute bus ride with a man in a faux-hawk and steel toes who wants your opinion on the dating-advice book he’s currently reading, “The Way of the Superior Man.”