Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor
Aries — March 21–April 19
You’ll sweat a bit this week. You think your friends might be playing “kiss, marry, kill” with your id, ego, and superego, all behind your back. Chill out and don’t let them make you feel awkward. Just play “kill, kill, kill” . . . with your expectations of loyalty.
Taurus — April 20–May 20
You’ll have a disagreement or two this week. Don’t ever budge; don’t ever concede anything. If your opponent brings actual logical rebuttals to your opinions, just hide in the CSSS common room and pretend it didn’t happen.
Gemini — May 21–June 20
This week, you will question everything about yourself. Splinter your sense of self further by completing a 100% completion speed-run of The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask. Those moon children . . . Your mind won’t handle their existential questioning.
Cancer — June 21–July 22
You’re an empath, and you don’t like it. You want to burn down your tender spirit, but you can’t. There’s no hope for you. Cry forever as you empathize with dumb wastes of space who have medical and dental, yet didn’t opt out of SFU’s redundant plan.
Leo — July 23–August 22
You’ll be unlucky in love this week. Everyone you’re crushing on turns to dust when you approach! But don’t get down on yourself. It’s not your fault you radiate nuclear sunshine, it’s their fault they don’t engage in cute hazmat suit role-play when you walk by.
Virgo — August 23–September 22
Friends may encourage you to dress a little edgier this week. Roll with their advice. Arrive at the club in full-body chainmail and cut every man you come across in half.
Libra — September 23–October 22
You’re conflicted about how you can make the target of your affections love you back. But they say that if you love something, you let it go. So the solution is clear: walk right up to your would-be beau, say something dramatic and confusing like “you NEVER cared about me,” and then run in the opposite direction at top speed. The further you go, the deeper their love.
Scorpio — October 23–November 21
This week, eat nothing but Salt and Vinegar Pringles from Nesters. The heavy salt will grant you a barrier to banish your inner demons. Oh, and early-onset dementia.
Sagittarius — November 22–December 21
Breathe in, breathe out. Exhale the darkness of your heart. Forgive your Menchies frozen yogurt cup for being cuter than you.
Capricorn — December 22–January 19
You’re exhausted this week, spiritually. Don’t be scared to surrender some independence. Take a load off your back by making someone else show up to your lectures and spend them staring blankly at pages of Elon Musk RPF (real-person fanfiction).
Aquarius — January 20–February 18
This week, you’re tired of always saying things that aren’t what you really mean. Solve this by simply never saying anything. Decrease your own emotional labour and make the peanut gallery really work to access your beautiful mind.
Pisces — February 19–March 20
Shhhhhh . . . you and I both know you can’t handle the future this week. Take five.