DEAR PEAKIE: Talking over the cold, homicide, and fake news

An SFU advice column by sad students, for sad students

Chris Ho

Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor

Dear Peakie,

How can I stay warm on campus? I literally wear so many layers and the cold mountain still freezes me to the bone.

From, MD

 

Hi, MD,

Layers are useless and untrustworthy. Just look at onions. No matter how many layers you peel away, it’s still an onion and you still cry about that fact. So my advice to you is to invest in a solution that has few to no layers at all — a fluffy blanket, a large suitcase. Wrap yourself in your chosen item, and let yourself be carried from place to place by someone with even fewer layers, like a 20-year-old frequent patron of The Pint. 

Love, Peakie

Dear Peakie,

I’m in an assigned group project with a girl I’ve had beef with since first year. How do I make it through this class without having to bury a body while STILL upholding a high standard of excellence in this group presentation from hell?

From, NM

 

Hi, NM,

I don’t know why you would bury a body when everyone knows the correct disposal method is to dissolve the flesh in a pit of lye. It even said so on Riverdale. This tells me that you don’t have to do anything to make it through this class without murdering a classmate. I mean, even if you tried, you just wouldn’t have the ingenuity or education to succeed. 

Maybe if you spent more time following your internal directive to overwork yourself and cover for everyone else’s incompetence without ever vocalizing your own psychological needs, and less time being all weird and judgy and homicidal, you would have no trouble maintaining your high standard of academic excellence.

Love, Peakie

P.S. Peakie doesn’t condone violence. Dear God, take your revenge fantasies to Reddit or something. 

Dear Peakie, 

I got stuck in a ditch while trying to walk down Gaglardi. I’ve called 911 several times but SFU Security hasn’t found me. How do I look sexy as a snow mummy so the archeologists of the future know how fine I was while alive? 

Sincerely, Tell My Mom I Love Her.

 

Hi, Tell My Mom I Love Her,

This story sounds kind of like something that didn’t happen. Hear me out. First of all, if you were really trying to contact SFU Security, 911 is absolutely not the number you would call. So that makes me question whether you even attend this school. Second of all, if you were REALLY a snow mummy trapped in some derelict ditch on Gaglardi, you would NOT have the Internet connection required to send me this question. I can’t even get a good signal in The Peak office — probably because said signal is being blocked by my coworkers’ airborne vape cloud of secrets and disgusting lies. Third of all, if you loved your mother, you would be safe from snow mummification because you would have worn your winter jacket before leaving the house this morning, like she raised you to do.

Love, Peakie

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