Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor

Aries — March 21–April 19

Victory will be yours this week. No matter the cost. You might end up in some conflicts because of that. But if your friends can’t handle how trash they are at Catan, the fault isn’t yours. It’s SFU Board Games Club’s.

Taurus — April 20–May 20

Damn, babe . . . you look good this week. If this were 1873, farmers on the Fraser River would lobby the provincial government to carve out an expensive and very inefficient trail connecting Lillooet and North Vancouver, all just for you. 

Gemini — May 21–June 20

You might be uncertain about how many different personalities to compartmentalize yourself into this week. This is another week where you’ll want to keep it to an even TWO. Be the you who you describe in your resume and the you who lied about your leadership skills on your resume. 

Cancer — June 21–July 22

Looking for another emotional experience you and your partner can explore together? Make an appointment with a discourse analyst. When she mentions to your lover that you are a “highly effective storyteller,” don’t panic. Ton cher is unlikely to get suspicious about your salacious past at Nesters Market, not this far into the relationship.

Leo — July 23–August 22

Don’t commit to any party invites this week. A Halloween party thrown on the third weekend of October is not a Halloween party. It’s just socially accepted LARPing. And you can do better for escapism — after all, you’ve done so for years.

Virgo — August 23–September 22

Lying comes a little too comfortably these days. Take a step back. Remind yourself that just because you can manipulate people into thinking Galiano Island is a United Nations fabrication, it doesn’t mean you should. 

Libra — September 23–October 22

Elevators are a danger this week. Take one and you may find yourself trapped in a small metal box with an elderly person who demands to know what language you speak. And your Broca’s area will start to melt once they inevitably begin to argue with you about your answer.

Scorpio — October 23–November 21

You might spend this week . . . vibing? With other living organisms? It’s quite shocking. You already get along OK with slime moulds and mushrooms (only in your pasta though); now you might smile at a patch of moss on a rock. With any luck, you might go so far as to expel from your mouth a friendly syllable for a puppy therapy dog.

Sagittarius — November 22–December 21

Accept his apology? Never. His excuses are so half-baked that you could find them on a dinner menu in a hotel in Calgary, ridden with malignant e. coli. And as soon as you find yourself relating to the Albertans, you’ve already lost. 

Capricorn — December 22–January 19

Go to office hours this week. Your need to clear up a few things from the course readings with the prof. It won’t do if he keeps getting the facts wrong in his lectures.

Aquarius — January 20–February 18

Drop your current flirtationship. It’s getting too high maintenance. A relationship with this bae would be like dating the Coquihalla Highway: rocky, uncomfortably long, and demanding your full attention. And there are too many other things you care about more, like other, cuter Bumble matches or voting. 

Pisces — February 19–March 20

Skip 23andme.com this week. The truth will deep-fry you. You don’t need to know that you’re distantly descended from one of the spoiled slabs of tuna sold in myriad Canadian markets during the 1985 Tunagate scandal.