Enrolment dates: Exposed

The truth of enrolment dates laid bare

Photo curtesy of Pixabay

Written by: Trevor Roberts, Peak Associate

It’s that time of year again. After weeks of uneasy waiting, the students of SFU finally receive their enrolment dates. 

While often dismissed as inconsequential, a person’s enrolment date is often the difference between them spending ridiculous amounts of time and money on something they hate and them spending ridiculous amounts of time and money on something they strongly dislike. 

Yet, the university’s explanation of using things like GPA, units completed, and scholarships to calculate these dates has kept the truth about how these dates are allocated hidden from students for years. It is time to expose the enrolment process. 

Enrollment Lie  Enrollment Truth 
Enrollment dates are decided by an unbiased group of hard-working SFU admin, dedicated to the success of all students. Enrollment selection begins with professors meeting in an underground lair underneath Convocation Mall* where they drink grad student blood to keep young.

*Due to construction, they were forced to hold their ritual in Halpern Centre

SFU cares for each faculty equally  Students are sorted into Beedie and non-Beedie students. Beedie students are given top priority, as part of a legally binding agreement that forbids Beedie students (or their parents) from buying the rest of the university and turning it into an oil refinery
There is no favouritism for wealthy students   All non-Beedie students are divided into groups based on how much tuition they have paid over their lifetime to SFU, with those that have the ability to pay the most given the next highest priority. This is done in hopes that wealthy students will donate to SFU after they graduate early. However, this priority is reversed for students who have spent more than five years at the university, individuals that the process refers to as “lifers.”
There is no prejudice against any student  Deans rate how difficult each student’s name is to pronounce, and give the most difficult ones low priority in an effort to delay having to say their names at convocation. 
First-years always get good enrollment dates Each incoming student is individually kidnapped and placed in a classroom somewhere in Robert C. Brown Hall, and given priority based on how many days it takes for them to make it out. The students then have their memory erased so that this information can never be released to the student population.