By: Hailey Miller, Staff Writer
Aries
March 21–April 19
Your laptop is full of unfinished assignments, and that’s OK! What’s more merry and bright than cramming in last-minute papers and exams worth your entire grade? “Catchup Queen” is your middle name. Get to work, you study elf!
Taurus
April 20–May 20
You really thought it was your last semester, didn’t you? Wrong! Your holiday wish won’t come true this year. Those pesky little writing, quantitative, and breadth credits are really putting a damper on your scholarly endeavours. Bah humbug! Happy holidays from the Grade Grinch yourself! Maybe next year, you’ll get a parchment in a degree tree.
Gemini
May 21–June 20
Time to be transported into a winter wonderland of reading, writing, and regretting every life decision you’ve ever made in your degree. How festive. Ain’t no straight-A student like one who completely questions every single thing they’ve ever submitted or said in class. Crack open that advent calendar of doubt, deadlines, and drowsy weather!
Cancer
June 21–July 22
You’re a course survey queen. SFU loves you and your fiery little responses. Nothing exhilarates you more than spilling your guts on what you really think about your courses. You sugar-coat it to the perfect sprinkling of holiday magic, like curating a brutally honest holiday wishlist free from course bullshit.
Leo
July 23–August 22
Ain’t no end-of-semester joy like enrollment issues! GoSFU is ho, ho, hopeless. Yule login to a blank screen wrapped in a bow under a tree of holiday stress this course enrollment season. Channel that stress to the enrollment elves and cheers to all your holiday wishes not coming true! All you want for Christmas is your two most important courses.
Virgo
August 23–September 22
So, you didn’t enroll for your classes on time, and a particularly stressful holiday season is about to ensue. Someone’s on the naughty list this year. Poor you! May the waitlisted courses and closed course sections bring you all the holiday cheer and fill your stocking with anxiety, tuition fees, and a lump of coal in your course cart.
Libra
September 23–October 22
You stare wistfully out the window, longing for the autumn leaves and channelling your inner Grinch ‘cause you’d rather still be a goblin from Halloween, you pumpkin spice bitch! You refuse to believe that gingerbread spice is the exact same thing and that haunted houses are superior to gingerbread houses any time of year.
Scorpio
October 23–November 21
Wishing you season’s greetings full of study stress! You’re a big fan of the end-of-semester shitshow that is deadlines and damned weather combined. Can you feel the fuzzy warmth of snowstorms and last-minute holiday hustles combined with the hopes of your finals being cancelled to top your wishlist?
Sagittarius
November 22–December 21
Surprise! Your smart, scholarly ass is about to get snowed in and won’t be able to make it to your final. ‘Tis the season for failure thanks to the skid-out buses sliding uncontrollably down hills, and commuter chaos after a single snowflake lands in the Lower Mainland. Tell Santa that you’re really hoping for a snow day.
Capricorn
December 22–January 19
Brr, bitch! Time to fa la la la freeze your ass off on campus. Wrap up your semester like the firelog channel that’s burning on your TV. Nothing’s cozier than a fake crackling firelog to thaw your student snowman soul.
Aquarius
January 20–February 18
Nothing says holiday cheer like your prof dropping a last-minute syllabus change in the last week of the semester? You love being thrown a Christmas curveball to decorate your tree complete with your final paper as the topper of Stress City!
Pisces
February 19–March 20
You’re surrounded by a cesspool of study sickness and you’ve come down with a severe case of the finals flu. You’ll be drowning in papers and projects, while your profs are busy holiday shopping, drinking eggnog, and sending out postcards plastered with “Seasons Greetings from post-semester wonderland!”
