By: Hannah Kazemi, Staff Writer
SFU is pleased to announce a new construction project coming to campus this winter . . . You could even call it our special production. We’ve heard your calls for enhanced safety measures on Burnaby Mountain when snow and ice creates unsafe and precarious conditions — that’s why we’re introducing three NEW updates to campus infrastructure that will bridge the gap between students and the snow. We’re turning foes into friends!
SFU will be hosting LIVE safety demonstrations whenever we feel like it, using beloved professors as demo subjects to show you how awesome these updates are. We will be adding a very low mandatory $69 fee to each student’s account so as to cover for any damages (and legal fees) that may be incurred during these live demos. We will also be filming footage of each live demo so that they can be stored for people to watch after future snowstorms in lieu of providing feedback forms about how we have dealt with snow this semester. You (yes, you!) will be PAYING to watch your peers slip and slide all over campus! Filming will take place at three high-risk — or high-fun! — locations across campus.
LOCATION #1: Upper Bus Loop
DEMO: Ice Block Treadmills
That’s right! Instead of salting the walk from the bus loop to Blusson like a reasonable institution who cares about their students would, we will be smoothing out the layers of ice and innovatively turn a dangerous situation into exercise. Icicles will be added to any handrails to add to the winter wonderland aesthetic. Why walk normally when you could build up that core strength and glide your way into the building instead!
LOCATION #2: Stairs from West Mall down to the Lower Bus Loop
DEMO: Garbage Bag Toboggans
We will be smoothing out snow that collects on the stairs so that instead of walking down icy steps, students can pretend they’re skiing down the side of a mountain. Snow will be transferred to the stairs from other areas of campus so that we can fill in any gaps and create a fuller ski mountain experience. Parking lots won’t be cleared for this though — they’ll actually be the last areas of campus to be cleared of snow because who cares. Plastic garbage bags (climate change who?) will be kept at the top of the stairs for students to sit on and slide down. We’re all about bringing more fun to campus! No broken legs or twisted ankles over here!
LOCATION #3: Convocation Mall
DEMO: Penguin Walking 101
The best and most effective method of avoiding injury when walking on snow and ice is actually learning how to walk like a penguin! We thought it’d be super fun and cool to demonstrate how to walk like a penguin instead of doing the work to remove the snow and salt walkways ourselves because this is obviously how resources are best used. Join us on Wednesday at 11:41 a.m. for a FREE and LIVE demo from SFU’s very own Joy Johnson showing you how to walk like a penguin on snow and ice! You’ll all look really funny doing it, which is great for our social media. Join JJ in your best SFU merch or dressed like a penguin for the demo of the year!