By: Gem Yelin Lee, Copy Editor
There are things customers who have never worked in a café will probably not know. Among these include the ability to act like a decent human being with bare minimum manners, and the daily mantra, “cops get decaf.” Especially the ones who wear the white supremacist blue lives matter patch. Here’s a small, miniscule, condensed list of things that make me seeth behind my mask:
- If you order something and I correct you so you know how to order it properly next time, that is not an invitation to fight. But if you want to fight, I’m telling you right now, you’re going to lose. You asked for a cappuccino with very light foam: that’s a latte. Like, universally. If a barista tells you that, don’t start screaming at them about it like a big baby. Suck it up and order a latte next time — or don’t complain if you don’t get what you want. Accept you are wrong. Who’s behind the counter again?
- I know it sucks to be sold-out of exactly what you wanted. Trust me, there’s no one more upset about being shafted by our distributor than we are. Especially because we deal with dozens of complaints whenever we are out of anything. But I had one lady literally accuse me of hiding gift card holders and lying about our stock. Girly pop, what the fuck do you think I’m doing with those gift card holders? It’s been months and I still wrack my brain over this because I just want to know what you think my motivation is. Did you sin against me? Are we . . . enemies?
- I don’t care who you are or how good of a person you are. If you see that we are closed in exactly three minutes and 42 seconds, and come in with an order for your entire extended family reunion . . . I just want to ask why you chose violence today. Walking in saying, “Oh my god, you’re almost closed? I feel so bad, oh my god,” and still proceeding to order 15 frappuccinos? You don’t feel bad enough.
- If a table has crumbs on it and you want it to be cleaned, ask nicely instead of passive-aggressively snarling, “Is there a reason this table isn’t cleaned?” Yeah, Steve. It’s because I don’t want people like you sharing my airspace for more than our two-minute transaction. You don’t care about the real reason, which is that we’re understaffed and fighting for our lives back here through a pandemic. You just want to throw a tantrum about the table not being in pristine condition when you get there, even though you’ve never wiped a table in your entire life.
- There are such things as foolish questions. And if you ask them, I don’t really care but I’m going to give you a very simplified answer. If you ask me if we sell coffee, I’m going to say yes. If you ask me why your latte tastes like milk, I’m going to give you a scientific breakdown of how a latte is 90% milk. I don’t know what more you want from me???
- I don’t know how you are doing that to our bathrooms. But I need you to stop. I don’t want to know the details, but I know I don’t get paid enough. I have literally seen shit I can’t unsee.
- If you snap, “Can you make it quick, I’m in a rush,” I will continue to make the drinks in the appropriate order. Actually, depending on how bad your tone was, I might personally go over to the bar and move your drink further down the line. It’s not my fault if you’re late to your stupid little office job you obtained with white privilege, Joe.
- If you have a cup with a fairly hefty amount of liquid in it, don’t just throw it out. Ask the barista to dump out the liquid for you first. Do you think that liquid just disappears? I’m gay, not a magician. When I take out that garbage later, I better not find your disgusting TikTok drink sloshing into my shoes, Jenny. I’m watching you.
You should be nice to your barista. Your barista is always right. Because you never know if the one time you started screaming obscenities over a thawed pastry (no, we don’t bake these in the back) is the time your barista rips off their apron and jumps the counter.
