Rogers is so “sowwy” about nationwide shortage!

An illustration of a smartphone with the Rogers logo. The screen is cracked, revealing a LED sad face.
There is no God, only monopolies. ILLUSTRATION: Alyssa Umbal / The Peak

By: Kelly Chia, Humour Editor

Oh noOoOoO!!!

Hey Canada, we’re besties for-eve-sies, right? So itty bitty me is so sowwy you felt like I let you down! fiddles with tiny fingers You guys are using big scary words like “blackout,” “outage,” and “we shouldn’t let telecommunications companies have a monopoly for this very reason,” and it’s all making me so upset! Pooey!

Here’s what happened, okay? You want my full side of the story, right? I took a teensy, wittle, shmittle vacation this summer, you guys! Yeah, I really needed a break from being your number one so I can keep things fresh. Just how you guys liked me when you signed up for that two-year phone contract. Yeah, remember when you signed up for my services? We even got a cute dog together. Don’t you remember those very excellent times?

I’ve always got your back and just the sweetest, loveliest marketing skills. That’s why I think you should accept my timely marriage with Shaw. You see, when mommy Rogers and stepdaddy Shaw love each other very much, they form what’s called a harmonious marriage! In other words, a monopoly! It’ll be all me, all the time. You’ll love it!

I mean, what happened was just an itsy-bitsy slip-up! It’s just so endearingly human of me, which I must remind all of you that we all make mistakes. It’s not like there were any real emergencies, were there? You just weren’t able to communicate with your friends and family, use your debit card, or access emergency services, and go about relaxing in your day-to-day lives!

It’s like . . . oooh, what do you call it . . . like a break from your phones! You’re always telling me how you need to put your phone away, and I helped, didn’t I? Because I’m your fwiend? See, I actually don’t like the word consequences, it’s so permanent. I’m your fwiend, and fwiends don’t break each other’s hearts, right? Come on, sign another two-year contract with me! It’ll be so fun!

Oh, oh, I know! I can help! Because I’m the smartest, best, and only network in the world, I can give you just humongous credit. So much compensation you’ll nearly forget that this is a problem, which it’s not! Are you prepared?! I don’t think you are.

Because you’re my very good friend, I’m prepared to offer you a grand total of ten cents!! YAY!!!!

But . . . if you want to walk away, I’ll understand. Really, I do. Even though you’re my most loyal friend, I’ll do you right. I’ll make sure you only get two hours of hold music as opposed to the usual six, okay? I want to make sure you feel treasured as my one and only custom— I mean, friend.