Top Ten loopholes for your New Year’s resolutions

Feel good about your technical achievements

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The silhouette of a body. Above their head: fireworks. below: tree silhouettes against the night sky
You, proudly looking at the horizon after accomplishing all those hard resolutions.

By: Sara Brinkac, Humour Editor

  1. “Save more money”

People are always so stressed about money. Saving this, spending that, “there’s no room in the budget for a 16 ft statue of you sir.” But our problem lies not in our obsession with money but in our adherence to currency. Concerning yourself with a nationally sanctioned mint is so 2021. Be a millionaire today on your own terms. Did you know I’m currently the world’s richest man (in terms of cool coins)? 

 

  1. “Exercise regularly”

So often people approach this statement with a narrow mind thinking they have to exercise regularly. But no one said you couldn’t get a pet, name it regularly, and take it on walks. Boom. Resolution resolved.

 

  1. “Go to bed on time”

What is time? Our concept of time is really just as malleable as the meaning of this New Year’s resolution. So, just sleep with a wristwatch under your pillow and you’ll be sleeping on time all year, friend. 

 

  1. “Follow a new diet plan”

I bet you think I’m going to say something ridiculous like follow the Instagram account @anewdietplan. But let’s get serious. I don’t think that’s a ridiculous thing to say at all.

 

  1. “Become a plant owner”

Owning a plant is an extremely calming and empowering experience but keeping a plant in your home is an extremely tiresome and time-consuming hassle. For this New Year’s resolution, I recommend taking a page out of the colonialist playbook — find a plant in nature and just say that you own it. Then, let nature (or someone else) do the caretaking and yourself the casual reaping of well-earned benefits for coming up with such a smart scheme.

 

  1. “Drink more water”

Here’s some science for you kid. Water content in beer? 95%. Coffee? 98.75%. You’re understanding of what counts as a cup of water? 0%.

Drinking more water doesn’t have to be a chore. It can be as easy as a fresh piña colada on an undisclosed beach in the Cayman Islands. So its time you drink up.

 

  1. “Volunteer in your community”

It’s a rewarding experience giving back to your community, but far too often are volunteer opportunities dull and unappealing. So why not create your own? Sure, you could give your time to boring sick children, but remember, volunteering is supposed to make you feel good about yourself. So, try giving your time to valuable spaces in the community like a local dog track instead. Perhaps if the spirit of charity really strikes you, you could even consider paying off my bookie — Larry. I’d actually really appreciate it (unlike his blatant disrespect for cool coins).

 

  1. “Lift weights”

Here’s a tip that significantly changed my entire perception of reality in one night: “weights” aren’t reserved terminology for the gym. Everything you lift has a weighted value. So, congratulations! You’re killing this resolution and you didn’t even know it. Keep (lifting) it up!

 

  1. “Lose weight”

First you lifted weighted objects, now, you just gotta lose some. You can even set a particular goal like “lose 15 lbs.” Then, just have that amount of mass mysteriously disappear in your home. Welcome to the path of self-improvement bud.

 

  1. “Give yourself more compliments”

Well, there’s no way around this one — and that’s the good news. You deserve more compliments because you’re a totally rad person who is living life and being you! Instead of critical comments like “I’m not drinking enough water” try complimenting yourself on all those piña colada’s you have been drinking lately. You’re a star* baby and don’t forget it!

*You’re both “a star, baby.” and a literal “star-baby.” Be nice to yourself, star-baby.