By: Isabella Urbani, Sports Editor
Have you ever watched Jack Torrance in The Shining smash a door with an axe and think, “Wow, he could hit some sweet home runs with that swing?” If not for his athletic prowess, think of the entertainment, the filled stadiums, the overpriced merch! Think of all the fictional characters that would bring more oomph to SFU’s athletic teams.
Nominee 1: Chowder, Monster House
Strength: latches on to his opponents and refuses to let go
Weakness: physical strength and size
Who else but Chowder could be the secret weapon for the men’s wrestling team? Lacking no gusto, Chowder, when provoked by his teammates, will fight men twice his size and almost twice his age. Given that he has been 12-years-old for the last 15 years, Chowder takes advantage of his stocky stature to get low to the ground and lock in a hold around his opponents’ hips, wrangling them around like an alligator. What Chowder lacks in speed and size is easily made up for with a grip that holds up two people. Seriously, he held two other characters up on splintering floorboards in Monster House. If SFU can somehow find a loophole for his age, he is a shoo-in on the team.
Nominee 2: Dracula, Hotel Transylvania
Strength: committed to being on the team forever
Weakness: may try to attack a player mid-game
SFU’s newest small forward is none other than Dracula from Hotel Transylvania, even though he is adamant he’s just a normal college student who happens to be allergic to the sun and can only afford red Gatorade. A small forward needs to be able to use their body to drive hard to the net and make space to lay the ball in or draw a foul. Dracula draws his opponent in and turns into a bat to move around his opponent before laying the ball in gently — after all, he is 1,000 years old. Boy, does he really shine on defence when he flashes his opponent a smile with his teeth. They just seem to hand the ball right over to them, it’s a shame more players don’t use this technique.
Nominee 3: Coraline, Coraline
Strength: can outrun anyone in any condition
Weakness: believes her opponents are trying to steal her eyes
Coraline earned her spot as the anchor on the women’s team in the 4 x 400m relay race after she spent the last bit of her movie running away from her other mother. Athletic, opportunistic, and speedy, Coraline is able to outrun her opponents, even if they turn into replicas of her mother and can turn into arachnids on command. Her accuracy in passing the baton is evident in her ability to throw her cat smack in the middle of her other mom’s face. Once she understands the baton is not a weapon, she might be able to become the starting runner.
Nominee 4: Emily, Corpse Bride
Strength: can save any ball
Weakness: may lose limbs
Her human teammates may have a beating heart, but they do not have a detachable hand that can jump to spike the ball. Emily wandered onto campus after a business student was crafting a business proposal that she somehow interpreted as a wedding proposal. She joined the team once she realized there is no feeling better than spiking down a ball that looks like the head of your late fiance. Nevertheless, her hand has the tendency to wander off the court after it detaches to dig a ball about to hit the floor.
