By: Kelly Chia, Staff Writer
Not needing parental validation | 48 credits (B-Soc)
Do you find yourself having to justify your degree and its “worth” to your parents? This short 16-semester-long course will be valuable as a FASS student. You’ll finally learn how to stop tearing up when you’re asked what minimum wage job you want. You will learn how to confidently tell your peers what you major in, even if it’s philosophy and you refer to yourself as a stoic. This course even provides a brief introductory overview of how to mentally prepare for the question, “What do you even plan to do with your life?”
Just pet dogs | 5 Barkbox credits (B-Hum)
What does this university substitute for a functional and accessible mental health care system?
Right, puppy therapy! So many puppies. Inspired by this counselling “alternative,” this course offers just a truckload of fluffy babies who can’t wait to snuggle up with you and take your exam worries away. Study pup-ular culture with these friends by your side.
Dander allergy medicine not included. Bring your own leash.
Alternative physical education | 10 imaginary credits (B-Sci)
Are you tired of the barrage of staircases at our illustrious campus? Always pretending the trek between Saywell and AQ isn’t exhausting? Alternative physical education teaches you to ascend beyond your mortal body so you can astral project your way around classes. Astral projection is almost a completely safe way to travel*, leaving your body to focus on classes as it should be.
*Please be aware you may experience the sleep paralysis construction demon if you do not take the proper steps taught in the class to avoid them.
By: Marco Ovies, Features Editor
Wildlife Handling | 4 credits and a Wildlife Warriors newsletter subscription (B-Sci)
Learn to deal with Burnaby Mountain’s wildlife! Brave the great outdoors with confidence (and by the outdoors, we don’t just mean hiking trails around the campus. Critters often appear inside classrooms).
One SFU student (who asks to remain anonymous) proudly advocates for this new course. In an interview, they told us, “My professor had to stop because a raccoon had waddled right to the front of the classroom. A real-life raccoon. What shocked me was how calmly he tapped the raccoon with his foot and it turned around and walked away.” Upon reflection, this student thinks their professor’s calm demeanor in this situation means this was not an isolated incident.
Additionally, security footage found that raccoons have discovered how to use the automatic sliding doors outside of West Mall Centre. Just like when the velociraptors learned how to use doors in Jurassic Park, the raccoons simply step on the mat outside the building and are granted full access.
Lesson plans include: “Do I actually play dead when I see a bear or is that a lie Hollywood has told me?” and “Is that a raccoon in line at Starbucks, or is it just your sleep-deprived friends needing a caffeine fix again?”