By: Alea Mohamed, Staff Writer
In a shocking turn of events, the Devil has requested that people stop advocating for him. Despite his initial gratitude, the Devil worries those speaking on his behalf are doing a terrible job of it— especially you, Steven. You know what you did. We at The Peak have scored an exclusive interview with the Devil himself. Check out what he has to say:
You have always had such a strong base of advocates. Why ask them to stop now?
One thing that I have learned in my long career as the King of the Bottomless Pit (which refers to hell, not Robert C. Brown Hall) is that the people who advocate for me are just doing a really bad job of it! At this point, I don’t even want this subpar level of advocacy. For example, who do you all think of when you think of “Devil’s advocates”? Alex Jones, Ben Shapiro, Tucker Carlson — not great company. If someone like, say, Oprah, wanted to be my advocate, I would be all over that! I no longer want to be associated with those types — I have to keep some class, right?
You listed some pretty popular names there. How do you feel about the average Joe playing Devil’s advocate?
I would rather go to heaven than have some Reddit bros be on my team. If you are going to advocate for me, I’m going to need some research! You’re going to have to come up with an argument, cite your sources, and keep it professional. You know, I have never once been bigoted. Sure, I “tempted Jesus” and “knocked a third of the moon, sun, and stars out of the sky” and “possessed Andrew Petter so I could use him to run SFU into the ground,” but discrimination? That’s crossing a line. For some reason, all of my advocates are a bunch of narcissistic, misogynistic clowns. At first, I was excited that my name was being used to defend the Blue Man Group — and then I realized that’s not what people meant by “blue lives.” They are using my name to spread all kinds of hate! I love chaos, but sometimes you have to draw the line.
Any last remarks?
I want to tell all of my advocates that it’s been a good run. We started out strong, but everything started to fall off at the end — like, it went from your average 100-level political science course bad to Twitter troll between the years of 2015 and 2019 bad. Y’all are ruining my image, so leave my name out of this!
Thank you to the Devil for making the time to meet with us today! He can be found in any applied science class.