Four things I’m spending my student bursary on

Because it sure as hell isn’t tuition this late in the semester, SFU

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PHOTO: visuals / Unsplash

By: Alex Masse, Staff Writer

Well, we got our bursaries, I guess. And if you’re anything like most of the student populace, your tuition was paid long ago, or you’re still in the process of selling your spleen and/or your soul, but you just can’t seem to find a buyer. Apparently they upped our tuition so they could increase financial aid this semester, because tuition freezes wouldn’t stop the problem before it became a bigger problem . . .

Well, have no fear: here are four excellent uses for the money they upped your tuition to provide after said tuition was way past due. Don’t think about it too much.

  1. Finally becoming a vinyl collector

Remember in 2012 when everyone started collecting vinyls and talking about how they just “sounded better” than digital streaming? Yeah, I do. And while hipsters are kind of extinct — seriously, has anyone seen a hipster in the past few years? (Except our Editor-in-Chief and the horde of glasses-endowed Wallows fans just like him found for the low price of one iced coffee at your local coffee shop.) You can finally embody the jackass at your local music shop. And no, you don’t even need a record player. As I’m sure you know, the secret to keeping vinyls in good condition is never using them.

2. A splurge on Amazon clothes you’ll literally never wear 

Ah Amazon. The online shopping icon that, yes, is still treating its workers like garbage. But you want to buy stuff anyway just to feel that thrill of purchasing something and waiting for it to arrive, huh? You just ordered it, bud. Stop looking out your window for the delivery guy. Look what you’ve done to this poor student: they’re buying a new air freshener just to feel something. Thanks a lot, capitalism.

3. Buying something from your family member’s “local business” so they’ll leave you alone 

Are you going to actually use your Aunt Marie’s janky homemade pottery? Will you ever wear your second cousin’s bizarre personalized wool sweaters with what could be a llama, or a dog, or even a self-portrait, stitched on for a design? Do you really have room in your house (or heart) for your cousin’s niece’s Harry Potter-themed resin plates? No, no you don’t. But if you buy their stuff, they’ll probably stop sending you their store link and prodding at you to “support local businesses,” so in that way it’s worth it. 

4. Invest in Squishmallows 

Squishmallows. Is it safe to say that they’re the modern Beanie Baby? I see them everywhere, except, ironically, in the stores that sell them, because they’re always sold out. And if people aren’t hoarding them like squeezable diamonds, then they’re reselling them for ridiculous prices. If you can get your hands on some of the Sanrio ones, you’re basically already nobility. They came out this year, and already, they’re the price of a new video game. You just know those costs are going to age like fine wine, so invest now.