By: Kyla Dowling, Staff Writer
Aries: You just don’t feel alive anymore, Aries. After learning every routine on Just Dance and burning the polaroids of everyone who wronged you in 2020, you need more spice. My recommendation? Get a COVID-19 test just to feel something again. The nussy is a real thing.
Taurus: You are about to receive a call to action, Taurus. The universe is once again calling on you to act as the winner in an argument started on a Reddit thread. Victory will be even sweeter when you retrospectively act it out in the shower.
Gemini: Some say that the happiest moments of our life were at the Scholastic Book Fair. While the rest of us were buying massive erasers, you were arguing with your teacher about buying the Twilight series in the second grade. Joke’s on them. You wound up with a vampire kink, anyway.
Cancer: I hate to tell you this, but you’re struggling to do even the most superficial self-care. Your candle wicks need trimming. Your bath bombs aren’t the only thing crumbling. And you don’t sound poetic preaching on your story when everyone speed-clicks through the videos.
Leo: Now is a time of cleansing, Leo. Cleanse your aura with Raid. And for the love of God, delete your TikTok. You can’t do the ass shake in the 5 Seconds of Summer trend, and that’s okay. Just don’t make the rest of us watch you try.
Virgo: 2021 is here, Virgo, and it’s going to be your year. You’re waking up early and, most importantly, eating healthily. This year, you’ll feast on the souls of every group project member who has ignored your colour-coordinated master Google Doc. You’ll never go hungry again.
Libra: You miss the pre-pandemic world, Libra. But most well-adjusted people don’t sit on the floor pretending they’re at an “indie concert venue” that is just someone’s studio apartment in downtown Van. And they definitely don’t make the experience more real by playing bad Mitski covers. But at least your tears are real, right?
Scorpio: The CSIS agent that tracks your search history just called. Uh, your horoscope was supposed to be something like “keep your head up” but I think the advice you really need to hear right now is this: Do not attempt to give yourself an ass tattoo of an anime girl. Please.
Sagittarius: Bumblebees have hair over their eyes and must comb through everything they see. You clearly aren’t a bumblebee, given how much you missed from last semester’s readings. I would give you some study tips, but now you’re just imagining life as a bee. At least they don’t have to pass university.
Capricorn: This week is going to be . . . well, mediocre at best, Capricorn. Sure, you’ll establish yourself as the baddest bitch in your Zoom classes, but most bad bitches don’t cry while watching anime on Saturday nights. Let’s face it — you’re not the main character. You’re a poorly drawn background character without a nose.
Aquarius: The stars are speaking to you Aquarius, and they’re begging you to pick a damn aesthetic. You cannot be a cottagecore e-boy dark academia goth skater witch, okay? Your sweater over a collared shirt, flower-patterned skirt, Doc Martens, and pink streaks just don’t work — unless you’re a Taurus. Sorry.
Pisces: The hardest part about dating is learning about red flags. Red flags? Checkered flags at the racetrack? They’re the same thing to you, no? Side note: racetracks have racecars. Racecar is a palindrome. Like you, palindromes wouldn’t care if a relationship started and ended the same: badly. Now, about those flags . . .