By: Kyla Dowling, Humour Editor
ARIES: Don’t forget the sayings you were raised on: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, say something mean.” “When opportunity knocks on your door, run.” “Treat others the way you were treated when you brought in a live shrimp for show-and-tell in kindergarten.”
TAURUS: Candles were initially used on birthday cakes to protect the celebrant from demonic possession. For your birthday this Taurus season, skip the fire — you’ll be hot enough when Beelzebub takes over your body and pole dances down to meet Lil Nas X.
GEMINI: What’s going on with you, Gemini? You almost drank a cup of vegetable oil instead of water. And those definitely weren’t contacts you put in your eyes this morning. Next thing you know, you’re going to mistake a candle for your dildo. Wait, that actually doesn’t sound too bad . . .
CANCER: People say you’re too emotional, but that’s not true as of late. You didn’t even cry the other day when you learned that worms have tiny little faces! Your skin is becoming thicker — literally. Maybe you should see a doctor.
LEO: It’s time to live your best life. Colour code your socks, adopt a cat, and follow the strange whispers into the forest at the witching hour as you’re lured into the fairy realm. You’ll be happy there — until you realize there are no skincare products.
VIRGO: Oh no! The spiders you swallowed in your sleep are organizing an escape. No matter what advice I give you, I know you’ll do what you do best: ignore all your problems until they quite literally consume you. They have eight legs over their competition, after all.
LIBRA: You miss social interaction. Who wouldn’t? Jovial small talk, philosophical debates, manipulating your husband into murdering multiple people . . . oh well. For now, you’ll stay safe and keep washing your hands. Maybe by the time the pandemic ends, you’ll be able to get this damned spot out.
SCORPIO: As a kid, you never fell for anything. You knew that the ceiling didn’t really say gullible, or that you could stick your tongue out and look up at the same time. You’ll never be a fool, you think happily, as you log onto goSFU to pay your tuition.
SAGITTARIUS: Here is a list of notable Sagittarians: Taylor Swift, Franz Ferdinand, and my elementary school music teacher’s wife who I ran into in a vape store last summer. I hope you make better choices than dating John Mayer, getting assassinated, or buying a Baja Blast-flavoured e-cig.
CAPRICORN: Your pornstar name is your greatest fear, your social security number, and the spiteful review you left on Rate My Professors in first year. I know yours starts with “showing one (1) emotion,” but what’s the rest?
AQUARIUS: Cottage-core this, dark academia that — you’ve achieved the best possible aesthetic. Between your undying god complex, your strange obsession with media you enjoyed in your childhood, and your unwillingness to say the word “moist,” your vibe can only be described as “peccadillo-core.”
PISCES: Apples, orange juice, hot sauce, Lunchables, three bottles of wine, powdered goat milk, Sudafed, cat litter, rope— oh, sorry, that’s my grocery list. Your horoscope says to stop wearing socks in bed.