By: Kyla Dowling, Humour Editor
ARIES: Isn’t it weird that Aries sounds like Ares, the Greek god of war? And that you’re at war with literally everyone you meet because of your incredibly over-competitive nature? Wow. What a strange coincidence. I’m sure those things are completely unrelated.
TAURUS: You are indistinguishable from a cat. You sleep a lot, love snacks, and scream constantly for attention. I’ve never been more jealous.
GEMINI: Download the Eat, Pray, Love soundtrack. Buy more lemons. Figure out what movie had Amanda Bynes and Colin Firth as a daughter-father duo and rewatch it. Write horoscope for Gemini. Wait, sorry, that’s my to-do list. You can do it too, if you want.
CANCER: Some people say it’s good to express your emotions. Others say that, if you’re going to talk about how you feel, it should be to a therapist and not to the cashier who asks “how are you?” strictly as a courtesy. Please listen to the latter. This message was sponsored by Sandra, an employee at the West Mall Centre Tim Hortons.
LEO: Take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror. No, not that long. Not that hard either! This was supposed to involve you contemplating your flaws and self-centred tendencies, not you admiring yourself! Stop!
VIRGO: Sometimes you just need to scream at the top of your lungs until your voice gives out and your neighbours call the police because they think you’re getting murdered. This wouldn’t happen as often if you just dealt with your emotions like a normal person, but here we are.
LIBRA: Take the road less travelled. The road less travelled, in this case, is getting a post-secondary education without resorting to exploiting your natural creativity in order to make resin decor. Seriously. If you need some cash, sell your body or something. The world does not need more glittery pyramids.
SCORPIO: For a water sign, you can definitely be a little fiery. And you’re just as grounded as the earth signs. Not to mention how you can keep up a conversation just as well as any air sign . . . You know, I’d go as far as saying you are the Avatar, master of all four elements. Not just because you’re versatile, though. It’s also because you embody a 12-year-old.
SAGITTARIUS: It’s time to make like a 2012 Instagram influencer and give in to your wanderlust. Explore your surroundings! Journey to your laundry room and wash your clothes. Take an unexpected detour to your kitchen and go on the adventure of scrubbing your week-old dishes! Anything can be accomplished if you put your mind to it.
CAPRICORN: You feel so overwhelmed. You’re way behind on laundry, just drowning in schoolwork, and you have to cope with Riverdale coming back next week. Throughout the hardships, just remember: Pitbull, your fellow Capricorn, has both been there and done that.
AQUARIUS: You’re the main character, Aquarius! However, you’re not the main character of a glamorous yet relatable coming-of-age film. You’re the main character of a 1980s after school special. Remember to say NO to drugs offered by a menacing peer who exists solely to coerce you into illegal activities. Or say yes. I’m not your boss.
PISCES: Try something new this week, Pisces. Survive only off of Cheetos. Switch up your wardrobe. Live out your life’s dream of adopting dozens of cats, only to have them all fight over who gets to devour your dead body after you pass away from malnutrition (because you were only eating Cheetos, remember?).