Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor

Aries — March 21–April 19

Your rage issues are back this week. Good thing social distancing means you can’t keep scapegoating your friends over your pointless personal problems!

Taurus — April 20–May 20

Stop playing the victim this week. We all know you weren’t going to leave your property anyway. 

Gemini — May 21–June 20

This week, psychic power will vibrate in your bones. You’re awakening your powers of retrocognition again . . . and feeling the darkness swallowing the hearts of your past employers. Don’t blame yourself. Blame Flappy Bird. 

Cancer — June 21–July 22

You’ll get in touch with your creative side this week. At night, you’ll have dreams where you are in the fifth terrace of Dante’s Purgatorio. Your greed will be punished by having you whisper a list of toilet paper brands into the dirt beneath you. 

Leo — July 23–August 22

Remind yourself this week: other people are real, not NPCs who exist to flesh out the backstory that gets you to pity your digital crush. 

Virgo — August 23–September 22

You are tired of credit card statements. If they really gave you any credit, then they would get off your back about those payments and trust in you. But that’s not the world you live in, and you need to take this week to wonder why that is.

Libra — September 23–October 22

Disappear into the sand this week. It’s better for biodegradation than a rich person’s bunker. And if there’s one thing your biology has learned to love after years of thinking mint chocolate chip ice cream actually tastes good, it’s being degraded.

Scorpio — October 23–November 21

You know what you’ve done. 

Sagittarius — November 22–December 21

The 20s have stopped roaring for you this week. We’ve arrived at the lying-on-the-couch, murmuring-sweet-nothings-about-Cha-Time 20s. And that’s OK. The Great Gatsby isn’t even a good book, anyway, so spend your quarantine reading worthwhile literature. Try the Headscratchers section of the Naruto anime page on TV Tropes.

Capricorn — December 22–January 19

Text your friends. Social relationships will set your soul free this week. As for your body and mind, try diazepam.

Aquarius — January 20–February 18

You deserve better this week. Why? Because you deserve to eventually know how it feels to have all your accomplishments ripped away from you. You’re a terrible person, but at least you’ll be able to redeem yourself down the line.

Pisces — February 19–March 20

People will be suspicious of you this week: did YOU spend your birthday wish on infecting the planet with coronavirus? The burden of education . . . the burden of being the only one to know that coronavirus has been around since November . . . and that therefore this is totally a Scorpio’s fault.