Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor

Aries — March 21–April 19

Your stars spell terrible destinies for you this week. And you’re just going to have to put up with that. You think you have an unfair relationship with astronomy? Talk to Remus Lupin and get back to us.

Taurus — April 20–May 20

Not sure what to hand out to trick-or-treaters this year? You can’t go amiss with Post-It notes covered in quotable excerpts from the scholarly works of Friedrich Hayek. After all, the ideal free market is the world’s biggest trick of all.

Gemini — May 21–June 20

Expecting to be haunted this week? Draw a salt circle around your overpriced residence. Then, burn one of your SFU sweaters from first year, the ones you thought would help you move on from your high school traumas and integrate into the nonexistent mountain community. 

Cancer — June 21–July 22

Suitors are disappointing you left and right this week. Just start dating your favourite mason jar. It will faithfully hold onto your possessions, and it’s far too transparent to get away with lying to you. 

Leo — July 23–August 22

Worrying about what to wear for your Halloween parties? You shouldn’t be. Because you don’t wear costumes — you are a costume. The filth-mongers you go to school with should feel so blessed to be able to vainly try and dress themselves in imitation of your luminous image.

Virgo — August 23–September 22

As fall kicks into full swing, enjoy yourself by playing around in piles of gathered autumn leaves. Careful, though — you just might scatter the very pile of scrap leaves that the Canadian government is using to hide the under-construction pipeline from judgmental eyes.

Libra — September 23–October 22

No need to feel bad about never inviting your partner to the Avocado. Take this week as your chance to instead invite them to the cushy inside of a gigantic pumpkin. The person you love and trust above all can jack your lantern any day. 

Scorpio — October 23–November 21

Find some time this week to loiter on the 2000-level of Maggie Benston Centre and stare into the gigantic spiralling hole. They say that staring into the depths of Pandemonium for long enough will let you carve out a reservation there for your essence, for when the end times manifest.

Sagittarius — November 22–December 21

Your friends might ask for some last-minute advice on masks for their costumes. And you’re absolutely the most qualified to give it. Every human interaction you’ve ever had has arguably just boiled down to you and a series of social masks.

Capricorn — December 22–January 19

You’re tired. So, so tired. But you can push through this week without ending up as an illegally plastinated corpse in a friend’s attic — I believe in you. 

Aquarius — January 20–February 18

You’re increasingly suspicious that you, yourself, might be a vampire. You love the taste of your nemeses’ blood, and you are always a little more cold, pale, and depressingly attired than what would befit the weather. But worry not. No vampire could ever intrude on other people’s homes, plans, relationships, and lives with the practiced ease that you do.

Pisces — February 19–March 20

You want the odiferous truth? Fine. Stop wasting time with your horoscope and start researching for your next round of essays while you have the chance, you belugas.