Written by: Ahmed Ali, Peak Associate
Illustration by: Momo, Lin

Imagine if there was a university student in front of you. They are walking to class, notebook in one hand while sipping coffee with the other, smiling about maybe passing. They are on top of the world when disaster strikes.

Every four seconds, an SFU Student falls victim to great ills. The most common ones include inflamatus procratinus (procrastination) and nondietosis (a terrible diet of pizza and coffee).

It’s truly heartbreaking. But we, here at the Save the SFU Students Foundation United(STSFU), are taking steps to help these poor defenceless creatures. For just the price of one overpriced coffee on the campus, your donation will save these horribly afflicted undergrads.

STSFU prides itself on being the only charity which researches all its students to customize the best action plan to save them from their own terrible habits.

Some of our most successful missions have included . . .

—Changing their Ex’s Netflix Password

Netflix is the leading cause of procrastinitus in Students ages 18-35. If procrastinitus is left untreated, the student will develop a parasitical fungi (microsporum lazophoid) which will grow into the student’s body, slowly eating its way into their lethargic nervous system. It eventually stops their heart and brain, at which point, the student will slump dead over their laptop with Scrubs on auto-play.

As many students are both cheap and lazy, they tend to mostly procrastinate by hanging onto their ex’s Netflix password and using that to secretly watch all manner of shows that get cancelled within the year. Your donation will help us change the password by tirelessly pretending to be a scam which advertises that you can enter your Netflix details to win free Starbucks coupons or tagging them in Facebook posts with a “Who has the best Netflix Password” contest. This will leave them with fewer opportunities to procrastinate. We all know they’re too cheap to buy their own subscription or even get one for Amazon Prime or, God forbid, Hulu. For a premium, we can even stop them from Spotify Premium.

—Forced Meal Prepping

The diet of an SFU Student is among the most toxic known to man. With nothing but cheap carbs, coffee, and grease, it’s a miracle they’re even alive. Without intervention, a student will succumb to a sodium noodle-induced coma twice throughout the fall semester alone. With your help, we can attempt to replace all their instant-ready food with foods that take upwards of three days to prepare, forcing students to soak beans, and not kill themselves preparing fish. With these baby steps, we can hope that the life expectancy of these students increases by at least another week, given the damage already done.

—Blackmail

If all else fails, we can always just hold something they hold dear and use that to achieve our results. Your donations will help us research what these creatures have left that the modern education system hasn’t sucked their enjoyment out of. Our current prospects include holding their Netflix accounts at ransom, telling their significant others they’ve been taking selfies with other people, increasing the price of tuition and books, leaking their grades to their extended families at gatherings, and taking away the likes on their favourite meme pages.

Give generously, and forcibly inspire a student to not be a piece of shit today